Dennis Dodd Really Hates Spring Games

There was this from a couple years ago. I imagine he wrote something angry about them last year too. Now we have this:

Springing a few ideas to get rid of spring charades for good

I still hate puns, especially boring ones like that.

I’ve seen 90,000 crazed fans in brilliant sunshine. I’ve seen 2,500 lonely souls in the rain. I’ve seen celebrity coaches and I’ve seen scoring systems so complicated that BCS computers would go cross-eyed.

I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend…Oh, sorry.

I assume he means scoring systems that go something like this, which, I don’t know, seems simpler than algorithms used to rank football teams. But maybe it only seems that way to me because my brain is a Cray supercomputer.

Now that they’re done for another year, I’ve seen enough of spring games.

Do you have any idea what the odds are that the exact number played would be enough for Dodd? They have to be astronomical.

I’m done. Finished.

As are the games for the year, so chill out, man.

Not only are the shams currently foisted upon us mostly meaningless,

They’re entirely meaningless.

they’re almost always boring.

I kind of agree here, though excitement level varies from game to game. Excitement, however, isn’t really the point.

In terms of lasting memories, they’re more disposable than a Bic lighter.

I’d have gone with dirty diaper, because that also sort of speaks to the true smelly awfulness of these games, Dennis.

Quick, name the leading rusher in Florida’s 2009 spring game.

Chris Rainey, maybe?

Answer: Doesn’t matter.

Then why’d you fucking ask?

Sixteen starters sat out for “precautionary reasons.”

Why the scare quotes, like sitting some guys who are dinged up so they don’t get further injured is some kind of sinister cover-up?

Quarterback John Brantley accounted for five touchdowns (three passing) and then went back into the witness protection program behind Tim Tebow.

It’s amazing he wasn’t offed, because that is the fucking worst witness relocation in recorded history. They didn’t even change his name!

Moving past his stupid hyperbolic joke and dealing with the point here: fans were excited by the five-touchdown performance. It made them feel some level of confidence that their QB would be good after Tebow left. Even if he’d never actually seen the field all season, it wouldn’t have changed that (he did see it in some mop duty and put up good stats in a very small sample size against shitty teams).

Anyway, back to the needlessly angry bullshit.

And that was from the defending national champions.

This was a paragraph unto itself. He really wanted to stress the fuck out of this point, which is puzzling. Because there isn’t one.

Alabama thought so much of its spring game that its coaches were former quarterback Jay Barker and a radio talk-show host.

Jay Barker, as in the winnigest QB in the school’s history, who led them to their most recent national championship until last year’s. What a lack of…respect for the spring game? Paul Finebaum was the “radio talk-show host.” He’s also pretty fucking famous in the state of Alabama and throughout the south. He’s also an annoying asshole, but that’s neither here nor there.

Nick Saban was still in charge, basically telling an official to throw a flag on the third play of the game.

I’m not sure if Alabama is one of the schools who brings in real officials for these games or not, but if they missed a call that Saban thinks will be called normally, and he wants his players not to make the stupid mistake again, telling an offical to call it makes sense to me.

Nick is always in charge. After the clock expired he decided to keep playing until a tie was broken.

Well, yes, as head coach he decides when practices begin and end. And a spring game is essentially a glorified practice.

I thought about making  a “Charles in Charge” joke but thought better of it. However, please enjoy these opening credits to the Scott Baio vehicle.

That’s not a game, that’s an off Broadway production of an SEC Saturday.

I saw the ArcLight’s production of “Cocktail Party.” It kind of left me cold.

Nebraska trumpeted its use of a television analyst as a side judge. At least everyone was respecting the game that day.

Respecting the meaningless game. Remember? It’s just a scrimmage. You called them “mostly meaningless just a couple short paragraphs ago. Having a celebrity side judge sounds kind of fun actually. Good an ya, Nebraska.

Never mind the injuries … no wait. Always mind the injuries. Coaches have long grumbled about staging those off-Broadway productions for nothing more than serving tradition.

He’s really showing a lot of confidence in that “off-Broadway” trope. I bet he typed it out the first time, and said to himself, “You’ve just nailed that one, Dennis. Nailed it!” 

I call bullshit on the point, and if it isn’t bullshit from Dodd it’s bullshit from coaches. College coaches run three scrimmages each spring (well, that’s what Georgia does, which I assume it’s the norm). The spring game is the third scrimmage. It would be a scrimmage whether fans were in attendance or not. I do not at all believe that the fans being there makes injuries more likely.

USC’s Lane Kiffin, in his second year as a college head coach, might be the newest to bitch.

That he cites Kiffin for this seems absolutely perfect to me.

Kiffin sent defensive lineman Jurrell Casey to the locker room after he hit quarterback Matt Barkley in Saturday’s game in the Coliseum. Barkley, who already had wrist surgery, injured his throwing hand after it hit Casey’s helmet. Because Casey couldn’t control himself — quarterbacks are off limits — who knows, USC could be playing with a backup quarterback in the fall. Hey, but at least everyone had a good time at the spring game, right?

Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett broke his foot doing spring conditioning drills. Miami QB Jacory Harris missed most of the spring with a thumb injury. Shit happens. Blaming the spring game for it is asinine. By Dennis’ logic teams should never practice to ensure they remain healthy for live games. And since ultimately the games themselves are pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things, we should probably not play them either to ensure that nobody gets injured. Holy shit! Dennis Dodd wants to do away with the entire sport of football! It all makes sense now.

Oh, the “games” are good for a tailgate and a starter tan if you’re not in, say, Minnesota, but other than that give me spring practice over spring games anytime. At least then, no one is pretending. Chatting up coaches and players in a relaxed offseason environment? I’m down. Always. It’s why we college football writers make our spring “tours” to various campuses. In fact, I got to know Jimbo Fisher a bit last month sitting in a conference room at a Florida resort near the Gulf of Mexico. It was, with little embellishment, like talking to Elvis before he went onstage.

First, the sun shines in Minnesota too. Second, who is pretending? What are they pretending to do? What the fuck are you talking about? Third, it’s nice for you that you get to make the rounds and, like, buddy up to coaches in Florida resorts. But for those of us who are not paid to write terrible columns about college football, the spring game is the only direct access we have to see what the team might be like. You arrogant dipshit.

I’m going to skip the part where he actually reiterated his complaints from two years ago about the Spring Bash stuff that some schools were doing, and go to this:

I don’t really care about MSL and its spring circus at this point, but I do have an alternative.

I beg to fucking differ, seeing as you just spent three paragraphs rehashing two fucking years later.

An answer to the meaninglessness, the unnecessary injuries, the quirky scoring: Scrimmages against other schools. It’s not a new idea. It just makes too much sense right now.

Dennis’ answer to the non-problem of meaningless games that could potentially cause unnecessary injuries? Different kinds of meaningless games that could cause unnecessary injuries! The sense, it’s too much for me.

He goes onto run through the plan, but I’m frankly tired of this article. It’s not even that I think exhibition games are terrible ideas, but they are still likely to be boring, with players sitting out or getting yanked early as they do in pro preseason games. Ultimately, you are still risking people getting hurt in a meaningless game, which beyond the tedium of scrimmages seems to be Dennis’ main problem. The point(s) being, I see no reason to change around the system and Dodd’s a fuckwit.

The Not-So-Great Debate

Well, we’ve come to the end of another college football regular season. And so, the annoying jabber about fairness, playoffs, non-BCS teams, etc. begins anew. Some of these “takes,” to use a Rome-ism, will be rational. Some will be emotional. Most will suck. One will come from the keyboard of Dennis Dodd. It will be emotional. It will suck. It will be headlined:

Messy BCS: Longhorns in title game doesn’t seem right

I’m not sure that Texas, or Alabama for that matter, is better than TCU or Cincinnati. Statistically speaking, both certainly look better on paper than Cincinnati. The evidence is less compelling in TCU’s case. That said, both teams have been ranked ahead of TCU and Cincinnati all season, they haven’t lost, and neither TCU nor Cincinnati has played a particularly tough schedule. Cincinnati’s is ranked 63rd toughest by Sagarin, TCU’s 84th. Alabama (20th) and Texas (44th) both played tougher schedules. Sagarin is imperfect, but it does try to apply some scientific method to the process of deciding who the best teams are. So, it kind of seems right to me.

It just doesn’t feel right, not when the two happiest men in college football Sunday were Dan Beebe and Walt Anderson.

Ah, but does it feel right? I didn’t consider that in my opinion. I don’t know. I mean, I’m kind of curious about what sex would feel like, but I’m also kind of nervous. I mean, this is a big step. You want it to be more than just an awkward backseat encounter. Maybe if the mood was right and it was with the right person (Johnny is really dreamy), I’d be ready. What were we talking about?… Oh right, national title game participants. It feels wrong…because…two guys are happy. Um, huh?

It doesn’t feel right because the Big 12 commissioner (Beebe) and his supervisor of officials (Anderson) were just as much a part of Saturday’s furious finish to the season as was the football.

The commissioner and the supervisor of officials were a part of Satruday’s furious finish? Is Dodd insinuating a conspiracy? Defend this statement, Dennis.

It doesn’t feel right because half of the BCS title-game matchup was decided from the video replay booth. The commish and his supervisor had to put the final stamp of approval on Texas’ 13-12 non-loss over Nebraska. Yeah, they got it right even after Texas almost got it unforgivably wrong.

So, you’re blaming them for…getting a call correct in an immensely important game.

 

Many of you saw it and you still can’t believe it.

 

It was kind of amazing how nonchalant McCoy was on that last play, but I totally believe it happened.

 

Colt McCoy rolled out with eight seconds left with a timeout in his pocket and treated the play like it was a seven-on-seven drill. His leisurely pass out of bounds was flat enough — and Ndamukong Suh was a split-second late enough in sacking him — that it hit the ground with one second left. And as we all know, “The clock doesn’t stop until the ball hits something,” Anderson said.

Yes, we all know that, but do we feel it? That’s the important thing.

Cue the confetti streaming down from the rafters. Wait, first clear the field of celebrating Huskers. Given that precious extra second, Texas’ Hunter Lawrence punched it through from 46 yards for the winner.

Hunter Lawrence defines clutch.

That’s how the 12th BCS title matchup was decided — Texas not so much celebrating as exhaling. It was finalized only after Nebraska defensive coordinator Carl Pelini screamed at Texas, “You should be ashamed to accept that trophy,” at least three times according to the Omaha World-Herald.

Well, it was, you know, settled when the replay official made the correct call and Texas made a last-second field goal. You know what might also have made a difference? If Bo Pelini’s kicker hadn’t kicked the kickoff out of bounds after they’d taken the lead or Carl Pelini’s defenders hadn’t horse-collared a guy after a completion, setting Texas up at the 30. Shouting that someone should be ashamed to accept a trophy after you blew your shot at it defines sour grapes.

His brother, head coach Bo, dispatched legend/AD Tom Osborne to the middle of the Cowboys Stadium field to fetch Beebe. The commissioner had some ‘splainin’ to do. The pair talked out of earshot although the World-Herald reported hearing curse words.

Rumored cussing aside, they got the call right however much Nebraska wishes otherwise.

“BCS,” Bo was quoted as saying, “That’s why they make that call.”

Really guys, you lost. You melted down. It’s not a conspiracy.

In the fog of war we all say, do — and write — stupid things. No, it wasn’t a BCS call, Bo. If Texas would have lost, it would have guaranteed the Big 12 more money by getting two teams in the BCS.

 

 

You’re all over the place Dennis. You alluded to a conspiracy. Then you said the call was correct. Then you listed quotes and rumors about Nebraska feeling cheated. Then you come back and say it wasn’t a conspiracy. Jesus Christ, pick a side.

 

As it is, the conference has a team in the BCS title game for the second consecutive year and third time in five years. We’re going to be asked to celebrate a title game featuring grand programs with two brand names. But something doesn’t feel right because Texas is TCU is Cincinnati at this point. Might as well throw Boise State in there too because after Alabama, no one can convince me that the Longhorns “deserve” anything.

 

If only there were some way to compare these teams in a dispassionate, scientific way using some sort of “thinking machine” that compiles a bunch of different statistics and takes this “data” to rate the teams accordingly. Boise’s schedule is ranked 98th. Texas has an overall rating two points higher than TCU, about three-and-a-quarter higher than Cincy and nearly five higher than Boise. So inasmuch as anyone “deserves” to play for a college football national title, Texas does.

Their best victory is over an Oklahoma State team that couldn’t beat Houston. Please, hold your applause. Their closing statements were anything but convincing, giving up 39 points to Texas A&M, then having Anderson clear up any misunderstanding about how they mismanaged the clock. Texas was one silly second from making Chris Webber’s timeout in the Final Four look like a mere oversight.

Per Sagarin, their best win was over Oklahoma (no. 23),  Nebraska (no. 24), then Oklahoma State (32).

At least TCU went on the road twice in the ACC to win. The Frogs beat two other ranked teams. Cincinnati beat three teams ranked in the top 20. But Texas is in and when Saturday blows over we’ll spend most of the next month flogging its honorable place in that brand-name final.

TCU went on the road to beat Virginia (no. 70) 30-14 and Clemson (no. 21) 14-10. Cincy beat Oregon State (no. 15) 28-18, Pitt (no. 18) 45-44, and I think, maybe he means WVU (no. 27) 24-21. Did I mention that Cincy’s schedule was 63rd and TCU’s 84th overall while Texas’ was 44th?

Texas’ biggest advantage it turns out is starting higher in the polls. TCU and Cincinnati finished a fraction behind in the BCS because they are Holiday Inn Express to Texas’ Ritz. If you want to celebrate, look beyond January to a year when one of the non-traditional schools playing for the title. Soon. We came within a second of it happening this season.

Well, yes, that was good for them, but they also rank higher in at least one of the computer rankings, the most well-known one, and probably most others.

That’s why it doesn’t feel it right. It’s the same feeling we all got in 2001 when Nebraska lost by 26 at Colorado, didn’t win so much as its division and still played Miami for the national championship.

Look, I’m on record in this blog saying that the Nebraska championship game year wasn’t nearly the travesty people make it out to be, but the two situations are not comparable at all. Texas won their division and their conference. They are undefeated. They have played better competition overall than the other undefeated teams except Alabama. Not. The. Same. But, then I’m not really using my feelings here. Let me just emote here…. Oh, wow. He’s right. It totally feels the same.

Something is missing.

That something? Love.

Drama, maybe? The whole season seemed to be a prelude to Florida/Alabama winner vs. Texas. When it actually happened it was a huge letdown for me, at least. What looked like a good game on paper a few weeks ago now looks like Alabama 27, Texas 14.

And who can forget the drama everyone felt heading into 2008 Championship Game between LSU and Ohio State. It was palpable.

I was just as intrigued about the Fiesta Bowl when it began considering Boise State and TCU. The Sugar Bowl is giving us Tim Tebow’s final college game against Notre Dame’s next coach (Brian Kelly) who may or may not be in attendance with Cincinnati.

Yes, those are pretty interesting games. I will watch them. They are not more compelling than a national title game.

The end doesn’t feel right because there are voters in the Harris and coaches polls who can’t give me a good reason why their No. 2 is the right choice.

Unlike every other year when it is set in stone. If you’re reading this Dennis, and I’m sure you are, you have plenty of reasons why Texas should be number two. Of course, I’m not a voter, so fuck me, right?

They still can’t tell me how to separate Longhorns from Horned Frogs from Bearcats from lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

I bet some of them can, not that I really think you’ll ask.

Something bothers me because those coaches have been hiding in anonymity all season. That’s what the coaches do with their votes. For all we know some voters have had Kelly’s next team at No. 2. We’ll know this week when the coaches go legit and release their final ballots.

Maybe some did. They would be foolish to have done so, but it’s possible. And why are you whining about secrecy when the final ballots are about to be released, you dummy?

Until then we’ll have to rely on the text of one Gary Patterson. He’s the TCU coach who I asked Sunday if he was upset at the prospect of being left out of the championship game.

You mean, the coach of one of the teams in question? I bet it will be completely unbiased.

“I don’t know about upset,” Patterson wrote, “but I did vote us No. 2. I had voted us No. 4 up [through] the games of yesterday. I watched all of them and this is what I thought.”

Dick Cheney, 2000: “I have considered all of the potential candidates for Vice President and determined that the one who is best qualified, gives us the best possible chance at taking back the presidency for our party, is the sexiest man alvie is…me.”

Gary Patterson, 2009: “Having watched college football games one weekend this year, I have decided that the second best team in the country, the team most deserving of playing Alabama is…mine.”

After a strange, strange finish to a strange, strange process, that feels about right.

Too bad we have to rely on feelings, because I think if there were some way to quantify these teams objectively we might really know who should be ranked second.

Breaking News! FSU Not as Good as They Used to Be!

I decided to see what stupid thing Dennis Dodd wrote this week, and lo and behold I found this:

‘Noles down low, ‘Dores up high … what’s going on?

The same thing that’s been going on for the last couple of years as far as FSU is concerned, and a large amount of luck in the case of Vandy. There, you can stop writing now.

One is a football factory, a flat-out jock assembly line with various classes and professors getting in the way.

One that has gone 14-12 the last two seasons.

The other operates without an athletic department, without much care, it seems, whether it contends for championships.

Which is probably part of the reason they haven’t been to a bowl in 26 years.

Florida State or Vanderbilt. Which would you rather be this week?

Florida State always and forever. They actually devote money to their football program and build facilities and have gone to a bowl game pretty much every year that I’ve been following football. We’re only three years removed from them winning their conference title. Vandy hasn’t won a conference title since 1923 (in the no longer existant Southern Conference). This is a no brainer. FSU, for all of their difficulties, would likely have beaten Vanderbilt each of the last two years.

If you said Vanderbilt go to the head of the, uh, class. If you can. Ninety-five percent of the school’s freshmen score at least 24 on the ACT.

Ugh. Vandy has high academic standards?! I never knew that.

At Florida State — where ACT used to mean Always Catching Touchdowns — the ‘Noles would settle for a score, any score.

Then they should be pleased by their field goal the other night, you unfunny hack.

The two programs are headed in opposite directions for the first time in, well, forever.

No. No they are not. If anything you could argue that FSU is slouching towards Vandy, but even that would be an overstatement.

College football awoke to a bizarro world Sunday that saw Vanderbilt ranked for the first time since 1984. Florida State was just rank.

That rank-rank trope is an affront to comedy. I love the mention of 1984, which was one of the other seasons Dodd mentions later where they started 4-0. Their final record was 5-6.

If you wanted an example of parity, folks, here it is. Vandy is 4-0 for only the fourth time since World War II.

First, this is not an example of parity. Vandy has played four of their seven potentially winnable games, including two of the most likely. Second, they have been outagined by three of their four opponents (by a combined 283 yards in their two SEC wins). They have won largely because they have a +9 turnover margin. While it’s possible they could ride this wave of flukishness to a seven win season – as Mississippi State did last year – it isn’t likely, nor is it sustainable over time – as Mississippi State’s fall back to the bottom of the SEC this year would indicate.

Playing an easier schedule than the Commodores, Florida State is 2-1.

Vandy was largely dominated by a team that lost to the same Wake Forest team who represents FSU’s only loss so far. It might be a bit premature to compare the two teams.

FSU continues to sink into the tar pit that has become the latter part of Bobby Bowden’s career. Two 7-6 seasons have been followed by Saturday’s statement that a turnaround isn’t near.

Yet those two 7-6 seasons are still better than Vandy’s 4-8 and 5-7 records over the same period.

You want an indicator? For the first time in five years, Joe Paterno is ahead of Bowden on the all-time victories list, 376-375.

What. The. Fuck? Indicator of what? What does this have to do with Vandy vs. FSU as a football program?

You wonder if Papa Bowden is ever going to catch up again. The coach himself has hinted that this might be his last season. A pity that we would have to stick a fork in a great career, instead of remembering Chief Osceola flinging that lighted spear into the Doak Campbell turf.

He probably won’t if this is his last season, as Paterno has managed his program better in recent years than Bowden. This still has nothing to do with Vandy as compared to FSU.

If it’s only a painful week at Mega U. that would be a good thing. But FSU’s problems look deep and profound.

Their main problem seems that Bowden let his son run their offense into the ground and they are only in the second year of recovery with a lot of new assistants. That doesn’t seem all that deep or profound considering the kind of talent they can attract.

The 12-3 loss to Wake Forest marked the second-worst offensive performance at home by the ‘Noles in the Bowden era. The worst was two years ago in a 30-0 skunk job by Wake.

So they lost by three fewer touchdowns and played defense pretty well this time. That’s an improvement, yes?

There were seven turnovers — seven! — before an adoring public just waiting to see if the ‘Noles were showing signs of returning to prominence.

That will sometimes happen when young quarterbacks are playing against their first quality opponent.

Oh, and wasn’t this about the relative merits of Vanderbilt compared to FSU?

“We’re not where I hoped we were,” Bowden said. “That was evident.”

Hey, a useless quote!

It appears that there is more than academic fraud at FSU, where the school started the season missing several players, suspended for cheating on tests.

What?

It’s never good to have more penalties (12) than points (three),

You don’t say.

especially after your quarterback, who is making his third career start, feels compelled to guarantee victory …

Especially after that? It would have been somehow more acceptable to have more turnovers than points if he’d said something like, “They’re a tough team. We just want to go out and compete, and hopefully we come out on top.”

… Over Wake.

Who is still not Vandy. We’ve gone about six or seven paragraphs now with no comparison between the teams referenced in the fucking headline.

Also, Wake has won the conference title within the last two years and has beaten FSU two (now three) years in a row. Why was the guarantee thing so shocking. (Fun fact: Wake beat Vandy worse than they did FSU last year.)

It’s time to face a stark reality in Tallahassee. Wake Forest has the better program. Tiny Wake. Laughable Wake. Sure, the Seminoles recruit better players — the 2009 class is ranked No. 5 by Rivals.com — but the Demon Deacons do more with their guys. That’s what makes it even worse.

All true. Wake Forest is still not Vandy. Had you started out to make the point that Wake Forest has passed FSU you could easily make that point. You have three years of solid evidence to support that assertion. You, however, were arguing that Vanderbilt has passed FSU and have spent about two sentences trying to support that claim. This is bait-and-switch journalism.

Bowden is passing the baton, at some point, to offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher. Deacons coach Jim Grobe has a 10-year contract, and now owns three consecutive victories over the school that dominated Wake from 1992-2005.

I suppose the point of these facts is that Wake is more stable at the moment and thus a better program or something like that. Wake, however, is still not Vandy. And it just goes on like that for a few more paragraphs. This is the journalistic equivalent of listening to an eight year old tell a story. It rambles along with no clear line of logic and at the end you’re left wondering what the fuck just happened. I’ll skip to where it finally veers back into Vandy.

The ‘Dores are suddenly two victories away from bowl eligibility. Here’s a brain-teaser: What comes first, Vanderbilt’s next bowl game — the last was in 1982 — or Florida State fielding a capable quarterback?

Vandy has two games left that they should win: Mississippi State and Duke. They’ll probably lose the rest, but they will be bowl eligible if they win the ones they should. So, in summation, this is a stupid question posed as a brain-teaser because Dodd suffers from some sort of disease that causes him to write stupid things.

Chris Rix, please come back. All is forgiven.

For example, this implies that Chris Rix was a capable QB, which is disproven by Chris Rix’s career.

By some cosmic chance, the underdog subjects of this column, Vanderbilt and Wake Forest, end the regular season on Nov. 29 in Winston-Salem. Florida State plays Florida the same day.

Cosmic chance or their ADs scheduling the game? You decide.

The label is waiting for one or both games: The SemiNo Bowl.

One or both? What the fuck will Vandy making a bowl have to do with FSU not making one? For the record, I’d go with option C. Neither.

If something positive doesn’t happen quick in Tallahassee, FSU’s dynasty will be a footnote because this is not just about the decline of a football factory.

This rates a 3.1 on the Mitzelbaum Scale.

The Seminoles were embarrassed twice by institutions of higher learning over the weekend.

Don’t do it Dodd.

Wake on the field and Vandy in the polls.

Sigh.

The Worst Analysis Ever

Matt Hayes of the sporting news wrote an article that I criticized below in part because it listed Terrelle Pryor as a reason the Ohio State Chokists would be able to compete with the USC Starlet Fuckers. Not to be outdone, Dennis Dodd devoted an entire fucking column to this asinine theory. For the record, it’s not that I think Pryor will not or should not play. It’s just that he will not be the key to Ohio State competing with or defeating USC. He is a true freshman who will play a few series and mostly try to run the ball. He may be marginally successful with his limited package of plays, or he may panic in his first truly meaningful playing time, or he may simply be shut down by a very good defense. Regardless, his impact on the outcome will be minimal. This post will also begin my new policy of not linking to Dodd columns.

Playing Pryor should become a priority — maybe necessity at USC

Priority? Probably. Necessity? No.

There’s a quarterback controversy at Ohio State, just in time for the game of the year.

No. No there is not by the standards of what is commonly defined as a “quarterback controversy.”

It’s not your generic speculation-fest about who is starting, although that might become an issue later this season.

However, if you want to go ahead and just up and change the definition, then sure you could call it a “quarterback controversy.” You can do this with anything. There’s a hurricane blowing through Jacksonville right now. It’s not your generic 100mph-hour-wind-dropping-heavy-rain-fest, although one might land here later this hurricane season. 

It’s about how much Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor is going to play Saturday against No. 1 USC.

It is raining though.

Seen as the quarterback of the future, the freshman super-recruit might have to be the quarterback of right now.

If he has to be the quarterback of right now, it means Boeckman has been injured and the Ohio State defense better play the game of its life if they want to have any chance of winning this game. Actually, even if Boeckman is the quarterback of right now I think that’s what will have to happen for Ohio State to win.

Pryor has been eased into the lineup, playing a total of 30 plays in two games.

And he is 4/8 for 35 yards passing with 0 TDS or INTS and another 94 yards on 14 carries with a TD. That’s not bad for a guy just getting his feet wet and everything, but it’s hardly a sign that he’s ready to lead this offense against the top ranked team in the country at their stadium.

He also gives No. 5 Ohio State the best chance of winning Saturday night.

I’m really going to need you to explain yourself.

What about Beanie Wells, you ask?

Now that you mention it…

What about him?

Yeah, fuck that guy. He only ran for 1,600 yards last year.

To the locked-in Trojans defense Beanie is a conventional weapon for the Buckeyes, whether coming off an injury or not. Currently third nationally in rush defense, the Trojans have finished in the top 10 in five of the last six seasons (No. 1 in 2003 and 2004).

They’ve played one game against a terrible Virginia offense, but they have an outstanding front seven so they will probably finish in the top 10 against the run again. That doesn’t automatically mean that Wells won’t have an impact. And who gives a shit about 2003 or 2004 or last year for that matter? Their past statistical performance has nothing to do with the game Saturday.

What’s another stud running back to a defense that picks them out of their teeth?

A guy that they have to worry about beating them. I doubt he’ll have huge success, but he could break the 100-yard mark. He’s also the best player on their offense, so I’m guessing he’s something to the USC defense.

The dual-threat Pryor is an unguided missile, a mystery, a human X-file.

Brent Musberger read this and thought it was a tad hyperbolic.

“When you have a weapon (like that) we’re going to use him no matter what,” Ohio State linebacker James Laurinaitis said.

Well sure, as a change of pace guy, trying to catch USC off guard a little bit. It might be mildly successful.

Follow the logic:

Oh dear. This is going to end badly.

Wells might or might not play.

He’s playing.

Even if he does, Beanie might not be 100 percent.

Okay.

Quarterback Todd Boeckman is coming off an uneven performance against Ohio.

True.

The last time he faced a defense this good, things did not go well. Boeckman was sacked five times and threw two interceptions against LSU in the BCS title game.

Partially true. He also threw for over 200 yards and a couple of touchdowns.

There are those who think Pryor, the nation’s No. 1 prep player last season, is merely keeping the seat on the bench warm for Boeckman.

I think these people are dumb, but keep going.

Pryor’s high school coach, Ray Reitz, believes Pryor will be the starter by the end of the season.

And if you want unbiased opinion you go directly to the player’s high school coach.

Jeannette (Pa.) High quarterbacks coach Roy Hall spoke to Pryor on Sunday night, trying to determine if the kid would play more against USC.

And if you want to really back up that unbiased opinion you go to an assistant coach on the same staff.

“Put it this way, it would be my opinion I would think he would,” Hall said. “Believe me, I know that has to put Coach Tressel in a tough position. I’m sure he can he handle it. You hear other people say they don’t want to cause a quarterback controversy.”

You also hear people say that they don’t want to start true freshmen at the hardest position on the field to learn. Especially when they have a serviceable senior to put out there.

There is little controversy if you win, but Ohio State hasn’t won enough for some.

I call these people “spoiled assholes.”

There is already the SEC stigma that is the subject of every fan message board from the Sun Belt to the Rust Belt.

When I think rational human beings, I think message board posters.

It doesn’t need to fly 2,000 miles to prove that an immobile 6-foot-5 pocket passer (Boeckman) can get beat up by the Trojans.

No, they need to prove that a talented true freshman can get beat up by the Trojans.

The much-celebrated Human X-File has the admiration of his teammates, if not the playing time from the coaches.

Those asshole coaches.

“It wasn’t easy for him to come in here and gain our respect,” defensive back Malcolm Jenkins said of Pryor. “He was going to have to earn our respect. At first he didn’t expect that. Once the summer was over he understood why we made him prove his worth. … He has been accepted with open arms.”

Then he should definitely start against USC. What was the guy going to say? “He’s a lazy, stupid shithead. That fucker shouldn’t even be attending a University, let alone playing for a football team.”

“The only thing I see that Boeckman has over Terrelle is the experience and a little bit of the reads. Terrelle is a competitor,” Hall said.

Oh good, you’re quoting his high school coach again. Was his mom unavailable for comment?

“They’ve lost that (title) game the last two years. If Terrelle can help them get over that hump, I don’t think Coach Tressel will hesitate.”

And if he can he will no doubt get more playing time as the season progresses. [Full disclosre: He can’t, at least this year.]

After getting 22 plays in the first game against Youngstown State, Pryor saw action in only two series (eight plays) against Ohio.

Huh, weird. So he played a lot against a I-AA opponent in a game that was never in doubt, but then he played less against a MAC team in a game that wasn’t decided until midway through the fourth quarter. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was, you know, a backup QB that they bring in sometimes as a change of pace.

Here are some possible reasons why:

So, no? Not a backup quarterback who comes in sometimes as a change of pace?

1. Tressel didn’t trust a freshman at quarterback during a tight game.

Seems reasonable.

Maybe, but that was a heck of a gamble.

More of a gamble than putting a freshman in the game and possibly have him force a pass into double coverage or do any number of other stupid things that true freshman QBs are prone to?

Tressel was losing with a senior at quarterback.

And he played a decent fourth quarter in a comeback. Nice thing about seniors is that they don’t panic when things are going bad.

While Saturday’s performance had a lot to do with an unmotivated offensive line and dropped passes, Boeckman didn’t exactly lead by example.

Seriously, Boeckman’s blocking and pass-catching was shitty. Set an example man!

Pryor can create plays with his feet. Why not give him a shot?

Because he’s a freshman, and if he makes a few mistakes you might very well lose to fucking Ohio University.

2. There was a preparation issue. In other words, Pryor wasn’t ready because he doesn’t know the offense.

I’m quite certain he doesn’t know the offense as well as a guy who’s been in the system for four years. That has nothing to do with preparation and everything to do with him being a true fucking freshman.

Not likely. The Kremlin is more forthcoming with information than Ohio State football is in 2008. But you’d think something would leak out if Pryor was becoming a bad seed or a slacker in practice. It has been just the opposite. Teammates seem to have taken to him and he is working hard.

I’m quite certain he is working hard, but for the sake of argument let’s say he’s not. Do you think the players are going to tell you or anyone else in the media about it?

The crowd at the season opener gave Pryor a standing ovation.

A sure sign that he has full command of the offense.

“It gave me chills,” said Hall, who was at the game.

Okay, but how does this tie into understanding the offense? Dodd? Hello?

3. Tressel is saving Pryor for USC.

Yeah, why let him get comfortable against two crappy opponents. You really want that first big experience to be on the road against arguably the best defense in the country. Dodd thinks you’re a fucking idiot apparently, Jim Tressel. Are you going to stand for that? [Crossing fingers and hoping Tressel sees this, hunts down Dodd, and slits his throat with a Bowie knife]

Bingo.

See Tress? Can I call you Tress?

The less known about Pryor on the West Coast, the better. USC did have the added advantage during its bye week of sizing up Ohio State. The Trojans saw only those eight plays.

And the 22 that were on film from the Youngstown State game. Also, how surprising is a fairly basic package involving a mobile QB really going to be?

“When Pryor’s in, it’s runs for him and quarterback draws,” USC linebacker Rey Maualuga told the Los Angeles Times. “We’re going to have a big emphasis about which quarterback is in.”

Sounds like they have a pretty good grasp of what Pryor is going to do.

The transition — if and when it comes this season — won’t cause upheaval. Pryor has earned his place on the team, chatting up Boeckman for advice, working hard in the weight room, going through the mental hazing from upperclassmen.

Leave off the “and when” in that first sentence and I’m fine with this.

It’s obvious, though, that Terrelle Pryor’s time is soon.

Why the fuck is that obvious?

The question is, will it be Saturday?

Fuck. And. No.

Bad Sportswriting for Dummies

Step 1: Choose a fairly stupid premise, such as ranking BCS Bowl Games.
Step 2: Put no thought into the stupid premise.
Step 3: Write an inane opening.
Step 4: Bad jokes, bad jokes, and more bad jokes.

Example 1-1

BCS’ best: Ranking a decade of doozies and duds

An excellent start.

The amazing thing is there have been 42 of these suckers.

That’s the amazing thing. That every BCS game has actually been played over the last ten years. That’s the only amazing thing about BCS games. Between the title and the first sentence, Dodd is well on his way to the quitessential badly written sports column.

That’s 42 BCS bowl games in 10 years.

Amazing.

Hard to believe this whole thing started in July 1998 with a confusing press conference at a Chicago hotel.

Well, technically it started the season before when all but the Big 10 and Pac 10 signed on to the new system. Then they got the Rose Bowl to sign on, bringing in the last two power conferences in 1998.

The key word being “confusing”.

Um, is the BCS really confusing? We may not know exactly how the computers figure out rankings, but the rest of it is pretty straight-forward.

None of us quite knew what college football was getting into — including college football.

We were getting a national championship game. That was the point. We all knew this, including the non-corporeal entity known as “college football.”

Heading into its 11th season, the BCS has been both a curse and a boon.

Or, you know, an imperfect system designed to determine a national champion and get money for the major conferences.

Good: The BCS has given us some sort of certainty at the end of each season, something the old bowl system couldn’t deliver.

Of the many things one might say in favor of the BCS, one of them is most certainly not that it gives us any sort of certainty. It is subject to the same debates that people hated in the old bowl/poll system. The only difference betwen the BCS and the old system is that No. 1 and No. 2 automatically play one another. But who those teams should be has only been obvious in half of the BCS seasons. I think it’s an improvement and preferable to the eight and sixteen team playoff ideas that have been floated by somewhere in the neighborhood of a billion people by now.

Two teams play for the BCS championship. They might not be the two teams you wanted, but it’s a work in progress.

The team I wanted has never played for the title. I blame the computers. Or perhaps the losses. Nope, it’s the computers.

Bad: Well, where do you want to start?

Nebraska in 2001.

Two-loss Colorado wasn’t really any more deserving on the whole that year despite the shellacking they laid on Nebraska in the Big 12 title game. I guess Oregon had a decent gripe, but really, this wasn’t the travesty everyone makes it out to be.

LSU and Southern California in 2003.

Blame the AP for this one. They got their panties in a bunch and refused to abide by the dictates of the system. And really, a chmpionship split between two polls isn’t that big a deal.

Auburn in 2004.

Three undefeated teams and Auburn started out ranked lowest. Shit happens.

Georgia and USC in 2007.

I think most people accept that LSU had a better body of work than both of these teams. Much as it pains me to admit that (Fuck you forever Vandy for blowing that lead against Tennessee. I hope you never win again.)

Last season ended in a car wreck unless you were in Baton Rouge.

See above.

LSU became the first team in 47 years to win a national championship with two losses.

As would anyone aside from Kansas (who played an ubersoft schedule en route to their one-loss season) with a shot to make the title game.

It has been great: Thirteen of the 42 games have been decided by a touchdown or less. Four of those were BCS title games. It has been a bore: Twenty-four of the games have been decided by 10 or more points, including the other six championship games.

Welcome to athletic competition in team sports, where teams sometimes play nail-biters and sometimes don’t. This is not unique to the BCS. Also, 10-14 point games are sometimes very competitive, with one team icing the game late in the fourth quarter.

Where’s this thing headed?

Probably to a +1 format in the next few years.

Who knows,

The Shadow knows.

but we thought we’d kick off our season previews with a look at where we’ve been.

We’re going to look into the future by examining the past? Is this an ignorance of history, doomed to repeat it sort of thing?

Here’s how the 42 games have stacked up — 1 to 42 — over the past 10 years. We’re also including an all-BCS team chosen from the 11 teams that have played for a BCS title in the past decade.

Now, I want to stress how boring I think this whole concept is. It’s a testament to how little Dodd has to say about college football. But: if you’re going to go this route, at least try to make it look like you didn’t just pull games out of a hat. The first eleven are okay. I’d probably reorder them a bit, but they were all close and exciting games. Then you hit number 12:

12. USC 55, Oklahoma 19 — 2004 championship game (Orange Bowl) … The worst of Oklahoma’s current four-game BCS bowl losing streak.

I stopped watching this game at halftime. This is one of the worst two title games to date. Where does the other worst title game rank? I’m glad you asked, me:

13. Florida 41, Ohio State 14 — 2006 championship game (in Glendale, Ariz.) … Ted Ginn Jr. makes an early exit. Florida never lets up.

But you know, maybe he was giving them extra weight because they were title games.

15. Oregon State 41, Notre Dame 9 — 2001 Fiesta Bowl … Dennis Erickson’s jucos embarrass ND.

Oh. So, you’re just a big fan of blowouts. And to comment on the, er, comments: That’s the snippet you felt best summarized the game? Everyone embarrasses Notre Dame in BCS games, generally because they haven’t really deserved to be in one in over a decade. As demonstrated by:

38. LSU 41, Notre Dame 14 — 2007 Sugar Bowl … JaMarcus Russell outplays Brady Quinn. The NFL takes care of both of them.

Why the fuck is this #38 while a similar Irish blowout was 23 spots higher? This one even matched up two first round picks. This makes no sense at all. I’ll just list the rest of the headscratchers.

17. USC 49, Illinois 17 — 2008 Rose Bowl … At least Illinois earned its trip to Pasadena, right Georgia?

18. Oklahoma 13, Florida State 2 — 2001 championship game (Orange Bowl) … Still Bob Stoops’ best Oklahoma defense.

20. Kansas 24, Virginia Tech 14 — 2008 Orange Bowl … Aqib Talib high-steps the Jayhawks to their greatest victory.

21. Georgia 41, Hawaii 10 — 2008 Sugar Bowl … Warriors’ junior varsity is no match for the mighty Dawgs.

22. Miami 37, Nebraska 14 — 2001 championship game (Rose Bowl) … At least Nebraska deserved to be there, right?

23. Miami 37, Florida 20 — 2001 Sugar Bowl — The Hurricanes thought they should have been champions.

Those last three because they’re ahead of:

27. Miami 16, Florida State 14 — 2004 Orange Bowl … Another Wide Right by FSU. Miami beats the ‘Noles for fifth consecutive time.

28. Wisconsin 38, UCLA 31 — 1999 Rose Bowl … The first Wisconsin team to win 11 games takes over the Rose Bowl with Badger red.

29. Ohio State 35, Kansas State 28 — 2004 Fiesta Bowl … Kansas State is distracted by a sexual assault charge against quarterback Ell Roberson.

33. Auburn 16, Virginia Tech 13 — 2005 Sugar Bowl … Auburn goes unbeaten and feels like spit.

40. Wisconsin 17, Stanford 9 — 2000 Rose Bowl … The nation’s fifth-worst defense holds down Rose Bowl MVP Ron Dayne — in the first half.

The last two-thirds of this list is just fucking nonsense. Bad premise + bad jokes + bad (no?) thinking = amazingly bad article.

The Artful Whine

Okay, there’s nothing particularly artful about it, but there’s plenty of extra whine to make up for that. It’s been a couple of posts, so let’s welcome back Dennis Dodd.

The Big 12’s best, minus two

He means three, but we’ll get to that later.

Scratch two Heisman candidates?

Did he mean this to be a question? I’ll answer it. No, don’t scratch them, if by “scratch them” you mean remove from your ballot or consideration or something.

This is nothing personal against Texas Tech’s Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree.

No, it’s something personal against another guy. Something for which you will be punishing these two gentlemen. But I’m getting ahead of the text.

Both are part of a bumper crop of Big 12 award candidates this season. But their trophy chances had to dim when they didn’t show up Monday for the beginning of the conference’s preseason media days.

And why the fuck is that?

It wasn’t necessarily their choice.

But you’re still holding it against them? Cool.

Coach Mike Leach decided that the reigning Biletnikoff Award winner (Crabtree) and a guy who could become the leading passer of all time (Harrell) weren’t worthy to be interviewed by us media types during a pre-arranged media session on football media day.

It seems to me that he decided he simply didn’t want them singled out, not that he deemed them or you unworthy. It seems this way to me because you asked him about it, and he said something like the following paraphrase:

Leach threw out something about football being the ultimate team game when I asked him why on Monday.

What an asshole, am I right? He wants to keep players from being singled out in order to foster team unity? That’s dickheadery of the highest order. I can’t believe he tossed that out and expected anyone to bite.

Also, bear in mind that Crabtree won the Belitnikoff Award, which goes to the best wide receiver in the entire nation, last year. You’ll understand why.

I’m not saying Harrell and Crabtree are out of the Heisman race before it begins.

I would certainly hope not.

I’ll leave that to the other Heisman voters whose companies spent money and resources for them to get here. Let’s just say stiffing the Big 12 (and national) media doesn’t help.

Oh, but you are kind of hinting at it. It is nice that you’re being so open about your tendency to support or not support candidates depending on whether or not they feed you quotes. I mean, I always sort of suspected you were about as objective as a member of Hezbollah, but to have proof is nice. You know why awards in pretty much every sport are complete bullshit? Because of people like Dodd. And the sad thing is, he isn’t uncommon at all.

Leach is quirky that way. He doesn’t do things conventionally all the time. Sometimes that’s charming. Sometimes it’s downright unprofessional.

What Dodd actually means: Leach is quirky, which is awesome when it provides good copy but unprofessional when it deprives me of innocuous quotes about which I can write inane articles.

A person with knowledge told me that the Big 12 asked to [sic] Leach to reconsider bringing his two stars, but that he refused.

He stuck to his guns. What a bold cowboy Leach is.

Hold on though, it’s about to get bitchy(er):

To reporters Monday, Leach flippantly said that any of us are welcome to interview his stars “in their natural habitat” in Lubbock. That’s great except there is a reason these media days exist, so we don’t have to go to each individual school. Especially when Lubbock is so far from anywhere it can see the end of the earth in any given direction.

First, Leach was “flippant.” Second, you have the coach to talk to about the program. Why must you have players too? They almost never say anything interesting. Third, he takes a needless shot at Lubbock. Fourth, Dodd is a dick.

“A lot of times there are so many guys who play football, there is a temptation to isolate the attention around a couple of guys,” Leach said. “Our team is far more than a couple of individuals.”

I assume this is the “thrown out” quote that Dodd paraphrased earlier. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Oh yeah?

Uh, Dodd’s totally got you by the balls now Leach.

That would make a shred of sense if it weren’t so hypocritical. In Texas Tech’s own media guide Crabtree has a page to himself. Harrell has two. Every other player in the guide except one (running back Shannon Woods) gets half a page. So much for not isolating the attention around a couple of individuals.

On a hypocrisy scale from 1-10, where 10 is Larry Craig and 1 is Jesus Christ, this rates about a 2-2.5.

On a passive-agressive bitchiness scale from 1-10, this column rates a 9.

If this was a high school team before a state championship, I’d kind of understand it.

You mean you wouldn’t write a bitchy article about how this hypothetical high school isn’t worth a shit and that their players shouldn’t be eligible for Mr. Football or something like that? That’s big of you.

This being a major university (according to some) with major aspirations taking in major public dollars, it is short-sighted.

Fuck the heck?! What does placating a fucking media hack have to do with public monies?

Tech SID Chris Cook told me an interesting story about Crabtree working out in Dallas with the likes of Deion Sanders and Pacman Jones. Sure wish I could have fleshed that one out. It sounded neat.

This sums up his whole beef. He wants to write (poorly) about a couple of players and feels slighted. Because of this he is pretty much openly admitting that he is going to punish these players by not voting for them for awards. And this will in turn hurt the athletic department…somehow. Can you believe how openly corrupt and spiteful Dodd is being in this? It’s breathtaking.

Leach wants to send the message of teamwork. Here’s another message Leach is sending: Attention, recruits. Don’t come to Texas Tech. We won’t promote you. You’ll have a tough time winning national awards, never mind competing in a Big 12 South Division Tech has never won.

I repeat: Breath. Taking.

This is not just me on a rant.

I beg to differ.

Missouri quarterback Chase Daniel woke at 4:30 Monday morning to fly from Los Angeles to be here for interviews. Daniel is currently an instructor at the Elite 11 quarterback camp in Southern California. After a couple of hours of answering questions, Daniel was right back on a plane back to California.

Um…cool? Way to go Chase? Where’s this going?

He seemed to be slightly upset that the Tech guys weren’t here after the effort he had made.

Why does he care? This makes me sort of dislike him. If were like Dodd, and if I had a Heisman vote, this would have lost it for him.

“You’ve got to bring your best players here,” he told me. “It’s the best thing to do. Coach Leach is a smart guy. He’s been in this business a lot longer than I’ve been alive. He can do what he wants. (But) you look at it: You have a guy like Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree, both are legitimate Heisman candidates. You’ve got to get them both out in the limelight.”

Remember how Crabtree won the Belitnikoff last year? Yeah, he wasn’t at Media Days. You know what really generates pub? Making plays during games on national television, or doing things so aweosme they get you Sportscenter highlights. I’m guessing these guys will probably accomplish those things.

The trend continues here. Oklahoma redshirt sophomore quarterback Sam Bradford won’t be making an appearance either on Wednesday.

And there’s the third absentee.

The nation’s pass efficiency leader last year is old enough to go to war, own a house and vote but apparently not mature enough to handle a few media questions.

Or, you know, maybe Stoops wanted to bring upperclassmen, like nearly every other fucking coach in the country.

It’s not like we’re going to grill him. After the season he had, we want to say good things. Start with the fact Bradford is an inspiration on the field and to the Native American culture he represents.

Well, sure, but you’d rather he say something controversial, about which you could rant and rave in kind of a weird, poorly written column.

Maybe there are extenuating circumstances. I doubt it. I’m tired of it, anyway. These kids aren’t the property of the football program. They are students with lives to lead who might want to see a different part of the world than their own. In essence, they are promoting the school, before themselves, at these media days.

Who among us doesn’t want to hang out in a hotel and get peppered with questions by media know-nothings? That sounds like a god damned treat.

In that case, what the hell is wrong with being an individual?

Holy shit! And that’s how you chose to end it? After you just spent the entire fucking article ripping Leach for his quirky individualism? This is a new low, Dodd. And that’s saying a lot.

Pointing Out the Obvious and Hyperbole

That’s what Dennis Dodd gives you. That and writing at a fourth grade level. In fairness, most people probably don’t read at a much higher level. Ergo:

Five things you need to know about the SEC

Better headline: Five things you already know about the SEC, but I’ll tell you anyway, because I have to write something in order to keep receiving these checks from CBS.

1. The East is a toss-up between Georgia and Florida: It’s always a problem when the two best SEC teams are from the same division. The conference title and national championship could come down to the Nov. 1 Cocktail Party in Jacksonville.

True, probably. Now, why is it a problem when the two best teams are in the same division? It ensures that the two best teams will play during the season, which is pretty awesome. Especially when it’s a big rivalry game like the Cocktail Party. Also, is Florida really one of the two best teams? We still don’t know how improved their running back situation and defense will be. LSU still has better lines of scrimmage. Auburn should be pretty good. Hell, Tennessee returns a bunch of players from last year’s division champ. Tebow and Harvin are scary good, but I’m not entirely sold on Florida being a great team.

2. So why is Georgia No. 1? A seven-game winning streak helps. So does having the quarterback that the NFL might consider the best in next year’s draft, Matthew Stafford. Throw in tailback Knowshon Moreno and a stout defense and Bulldogs are having an easy time getting over the death of UGA VI.

All of these things are true, but what does the list of positives have to do with getting over the death of a fucking dog? Look, I like UGA. He’s iconic and kind of cute in an ugly way. At the end of the day, however, he’s just a dog. Fine, it was a joke. I don’t care. If you can’t be funny I’m going to pretend you’re being completely serious.

3. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Tim Tebow. Really. The kid was the first sophomore to win a Heisman. He helped perform circumcision during a missionary trip to the Phillipines. During a trip to Europe some guy who couldn’t speak English recognized him. The kid has never so much as sneaked a cigarette in high school. Believe me, someone asked him at the media days.

Do we really know he didn’t sneak a cigarette in high school, which would have been his house. He was home-schooled. He seems like an all-around nice lunkhead. But – an maybe I’m cynical – doesn’t he seem a bit too perfect? Not to say that he’s secretly a drug dealer or something like that. But, you know, maybe he’s not nice at all times? Maybe he’s said some mean things to people at various times in his life? It seems hard to believe he’s always a cheery, Jesus-loving do-gooder.

“There are a lot of leaders out there,” Tebow said. “Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of good ones.”

Deep. Mature. Godly. God-like?

4. Fail and you die.

Seriously, the SEC is like The Running Man.

There’s pressure and then there’s SEC pressure. Change is a constant. There are two new head coaches (Ole Miss, Arkansas), but almost half of the league’s 24 coordinators (11) have been replaced.

Well, two new coaches pretty much guarantees that four would change. Auburn is replacing both, one due to failure and one because he took a better job. So, that’s six, only one of which was pressurized. I’m not saying there’s no pressure in the league, but stop blowing shit out of proportion, Dennis.

5. The national champion formerly known as LSU is alive and well, kind of. The Tigers figure to drop a notch or two after being the lucky recipients of a national championship berth despite a two-loss regular season. Quarterback Ryan Perrilloux is gone (thank goodness). Consider it addition by subtraction.

Okay, obvious so far. But “addition by subtraction” would mean LSU is better off. Which is debatable I suppose, but don’t write this immediately afterwards.

There’s no way LSU can defend the West, much less the national championship, while breaking in either redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee or Harvard transfer Andrew Hatch.

You can’t argue that they’re better off without Perriloux and then list their QBs as the key reason they won’t repeat as national champs. Fucktard.

But the Tigers will make another run at it in ’09.

So those are the five things you needed to know. You feel informed? I know I do.

Me>Dodd, Officially

A few weeks back Dodd actually quantified his lack of football knowledge, by taking this beast of a rules test for officials. It’s a mother fucker, to be sure, but Dodd uses it to demonstrate how awesome officials are. Wrongly.

There’s nothing too bad in the early going. He decided to take the test, blah, blah, blah. His score: 46. I did it and got a 60, and I’m not paid to actually know anything about the game. But after he admits to his ignorance of most things football he starts getting weird.

Terry Porter, whose name is officially a swear word in Coral Gables, all is forgiven. Porter is the official who threw that controversial flag for pass interference against Miami’s Glenn Sharpe in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl against Ohio State.

Huh? I never thought this was all that bad a call, but, if I did, how would his ability to pass a test based upon rules he is supposed to study absolve him? He still would have blown a call in the biggest college football game of the season. He also beats it into the ground by including two more much more egregious examples: the onside kick in the Oregon-Oklahoma game last year and the 5th down play by Colorado back in the day.

The next time I think about ripping an official, I’m just as likely to send a sympathy card. It has become obvious that their job is harder than titanium. After taking the test, the hot-air balloon that was once my football ego is now flatter than West Texas.

Man, he can churn out some mighty fine metaphors. The point itself? Yes, officiating is a difficult job, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be criticized when they fuck it up.

But you want a quote that sort of detracts from his point? Okay.

“I see scores that go down — for regular officials — into the low 60s, the first time they take it,” the Evil LeMonnier said, trying to cheer me up.

Regular officials, who presumably have read the rule book at least once, barely outscore me, a fan who has never cracked a book on the subject. Does that make you feel better about the state of officiating at all? There’s also this:

He and co-author Dick Honig, a retired Big Ten referee, begin jotting down notes during the season. In December, they start writing questions. A third party edits the material. Two months ago, 15 officials test-drove the test before final adjustments were made. You don’t need to know that the lowest score was 75.

75 is a fucking C. I expect officials to know the rules backwards and forwards, not to just get by. Am I being unreasonable in that expectation?

Anyway, the rest is repetitive self-deprecation involving monkeys and shit. Not too bad. Just, you know, annoying. Sorry for the pun in the subject line and the general lack of humor in this post. That test left me all addled.

Choking on Dying Mediums

Let’s just dive right into this.

NCAA Managing Director of Football and Baseball Dennis Poppe confirmed for me Monday what I’ve been wondering about the proliferation of bowl games.

When it will end? What’s the oversaturation point? How many more additional football games we can expect, because football is an awesome sport and you’d like to watch more games? My guess: What does proliferation mean?

When it comes to new bowls, it’s promoter beware.

What a let down. This isn’t even jokey or anything. It’s kind of obvious and uninteresting, but that’s to be expected. It’s Dodd after all.

The NCAA in April approved two more bowl games, the Congressional Bowl in Washington D.C. and the St. Petersburg  Bowl in — guess where? — St. Petersburg, Fla.. That brings the total to 34 bowls. Do the quick math and that means 68 bowl slots. There were only 71 bowl-eligible teams last season.

Doing some more quick math (Subtraction this time. Thank God Dodd did that nasty ole multiplication for me.), that still leaves three teams that are technically deserving of a bowl unable to go.

Poppe, here for the College World Series, calls that a safe “margin of error.” Three teams? (Actually, the number  varies from year to year but it’s still close. In 2006, there were 73 bowl-eligible teams.)

I guess there’s a slim possibility that only 67 teams could qualify in some year, but with the loosening of the I-AA rule it seems very unlikely. Also, does 3-5 extra teams seem like a safe “margin of error” to all of you readers? Yes? Cool. I love you, man.

The pressure is not on the NCAA, which does little more than certify new bowls, but on the bowls themselves. If there aren’t enough bowl eligible teams, there simply won’t be bowls.

That hardly seems all that pressurized for anyone. 71 and 73 have qualified in the first two years of the relaxed requirements. Seems like a pretty good bet that the 68 slots will be filled.

“The only option right now is that the bowl wouldn’t have a game,” said Poppe, a former lineman for Missouri’s 1970 Orange Bowl team. “That’s what it always has been (but) we reaffirmed that. The association’s position is that granting a license doesn’t necessarily guarantee a game.”

Works for me. What about you, Dennis?

If there was a possible shortage, why did the NCAA certify the two new bowls? Legally, it doesn’t have much choice.  It might be surprising to know that the NCAA has little to do with the postseason. It certifies bowls, assigns officials and sets rules. Other than that, cities, promoters, schools and conferences stage the games.

Show of hands: How many college football fans, i.e. the people who might read a Dodd column, did not know that the NCAA has little to do with the college football postseason? Stop being a smartass, Magillicutty. Seriously, the bowl system is subject to endless debate every fucking football season. I daresay that anyone who does not know this is illiterate or suffers from that short-term memory thing in “Memento.”

If there is a glut of games, the public loves it. Average attendance at the 32 bowl games in 2007-08 was the highest in eight years. That would suggest that although seven bowl eligible teams didn’t make the postseason last year, there are fans out there willing to watch the likes of Troy, Ohio and Louisiana-Monroe. (The other four bowl eligible teams that did it get invites were South Carolina, Northwestern, Iowa and Louisville.)

If the public is going to the games and watching them on TV can you say there is a glut? These people willing to watch the likes of Troy and Ohio are known as “college football fans”. They also comprise your readership, Dennis. I will watch Division III playoff games. I have watched high school games on television. There is not enough football to sate my appetite, let alone glut it. I’ve probably said a bit too much about myself there.

The next hurdle for bowl executives could be the dreaded Academic Progress Rate. Beginning in 2009, teams that have posted a sub-900 APR three consecutive season could be banned from postseason competition.

I guess this could cause a problem and lead to a reduction in bowl games. 😦

“We are in an area where the margin is pretty thin,” Poppe said. “I still think we should have enough teams … The theory is to provide as much opportunity as possible.”

I like that theory. Oh, that’s the end of the bowl thing? Okay, but what do you think about these newspaper layoffs?

• You might have noticed that the newspaper industry is in shambles.

Yep, circulation down, ad revenues down, layoffs all over the place. The fucking New York fucking Times is even having to lay people off. It’s a revolutionary time in information getting.

This is not gloating. While we Internet hacks seem to be the lucky ones, our hearts go out to colleagues who are being downsized because of corporate mismanagement.

Sure, nobody likes to see someone lose their job. At least not if they’re doing it reasonably well. You, I wouldn’t mind seeing fired.

Two good friends left their jobs recently. Wendell Barnhouse of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram took a buyout after more than three decades in the business. The Star-Telegram has decided to do away with its national college football beat as part of its downsizing.  Also, Howard Richman was let go at the Kansas City Star after a quarter century with the paper. He was covering Kansas State, nailing every breaking story on the beat.

I’m not really familiar with either of these gentlemen, but I’ll assume Dodd is right that they were good. I’m feeling generous.

These guys are two examples of how the reader is losing. Newspapers still haven’t figured out to make their product  work in a changing media environment.

You’d think they’d have an idea by now.

Sure, the Internet is a threat but you would have thought by now that someone would have figured how to reconfigure newspapers.

What does this mean? Reconfiguring them into a web-based medium that still maintains quality control to some degree? Or like, just reconfiguring physical newspapers? Which makes no sense to anyone with a thinking brain. Anyway, if it’s the first, then newspapers have been slow on the uptake.

The major problem is papers being run by corporations instead of journalists. This guy Zell who owns Tribune Co. literally scares me.

This guy does seem pretty frightening. Downright Pennywisian. You don’t maybe think that the problem with newspapers is that their revenues are drying up while circulation plummets rather than the big, bad, corporate bogeymen? Okay, it’s your delusion.

It used to be about putting out a good product. Now it’s more about profit margin.

These two things are apparently mutually exclusive.

This bastardization of a vocation causes good people like Wendell and Howard to leave the profession. Courage, guys. We’re thinking about you.

I’m sure they’re reasonably decent dudes, but really they weren’t screwed over. They’re in a dying medium. This is what happens when technology renders something obsolete. Must…not…use…buggy whip…clich…é.

The Unanswered Question(s) About Terrelle Pryor.

It’s been a while. Sorry, I’ve been busy-ish. I return with none other than Dennis Dodd, after whom I probably should have named this blog since he’s the worst college football writer going. Live and learn.

Next step for Ohio State Idol: Living up to the hype

That’d be a play on American Idol. I only know this because he makes the direct link later. It’s not funny or clever there either.

Somewhere near the Yucatan Peninsula there is a giant underwater crater. Some scientists believe a meteor impact kicked up enough dust into the atmosphere to kill off the dinosaurs.

And this is related to college football how?

And some recruitniks swear it was the imprint of Terrelle Pryor trying to get one foot inbounds before scoring another touchdown.

Oh, those stupid recruitniks. They don’t know anything about the Mesozoic Era. Thank God Dennis Dodd is there to inform them of their nearly unbelievable ignorance.

And if I might comment on Dodd’s style, if you notice there is a formula to it:

1) Sentence or two that are kind of weird.

2) Pause for dramatic effect

3) Sentence or two that are supposed to serve as the punchline for the first part, but in reality are about twice as weird and terribly unfunny.

It’s nice to have something you can rely on.

This just in after the nation’s No. 1 high school player finally picked a college: Paul Bunyan wants his deal reworked.

You may find this surprising, but I’ve never in my life heard a Paul Bunyan joke. And if Paul really does want his deal reworked this could revolutionize the mythical entity market. If he becomes the highest paid mythological being, what do you expect someone like Zeus to command, or the Lord God Almighty for that matter? This could destroy the FMBL (Fucking Mythical Being League). You’re right, it does seem crude, but who am I to question God?

Yeah, Pryor’s legend is that big. His upside is a space walk. The most protracted, celebrated, confusing recruitment in the history of Tom Lemming ended Wednesday with the Jeannette (Pa.) quarterback choosing Ohio State.

Meteor that theoretically destroyed an entire species and completely changed the global environment = Really large dude who travelled around with an equally large blue ox = Astronaut = Really good high school quarterback.

If you’ve followed the Pryor timeline, you’re as winded as the defenders who tried to catch him. Forty-two days and two news conferences later, we have the same result we thought we had on Feb. 6: Buckeyes uber alles.

Yes, it was an abnormally long, though not unheard of, recruiting season for Pryor.

If this is a sign of how decisive the kid is going to be with an audible, Jim Tressel just signed another Justin Zwick. None of us know that for sure, of course. YouTube, rivals.com and shadowy boosters still agree: Pryor is a franchise quarterback.

What an indecisive punk? How dare he take time to consider a decision that will affect the next four years of his life, and potentially his life up to around age 40. Also, note that last sentence, because…

But we sure as hell can think it. The next, great American high school phenom has embarked on a journey to who knows where? He is one part athletic (6-5½, 220 pounds with a rocket arm), and one part charismatic with a dash of American Idol.

Swap the last sentence of the previous paragraph with the first sentence of this one and you get coherency. As it is, you get Doddency. And there’s the American Idol reference, which makes sense in that singing for judges is almost exactly the same as playing college football.

Which means he could be making millions real soon or be the next Ruben Studdard.

Remember that fat guy who sang some shitty song about being sorry and was kind of a bust on the Billboard Charts, especially considering all of the hype that comes with going the distance on American Idol? Terrelle Pryor, a svelt, fleet-footed, strong-armed QB could end up exactly like him. I’m as surprised as you are.

This country loves The Next Big Thing. What it loves even more is seeing those legends fail. It keeps cable news and Congressional hearings in business. Don’t forget that in the sports arena alone, a certain haughty pitcher has gone from Rocket to Roidger.

I think we like to see them fail in large part because of fawning media coverage by people like you Dennis. I’m sure there’s more to the psychological shit involved, but that’s certainly a factor. And in the end, even when we derive a certain amount of joy from one person’s failure, we also derive pleasure from another’s success. We’re a great big complicated mess, we humans.

At this rate in our culture, if Nike hasn’t signed the nation’s No. 1 recruit to an endorsement deal — pausing briefly as the ink dries on the Ohio State scholarship papers — Phil Knight deserves to be smacked upside the head with a waffle iron.

You know, except for the fact that such a deal is against the rules and would make Pryor inelligible, thus costing Nike money on an investment with no return. But sure, no deal = Phil Knight’s head + waffle iron.

Wait. Nike deal? That would make our new BMOC a professional. We’ll pause for a moment while those of you who believe that Pryor hasn’t been, ahem, “well taken care of” catch up.

Is Dennis accusing Nike and/or Ohio State of paying Pryor? There must be some evidence right?

This is not a specific indictment of Nike, Ohio State or anyone else. We don’t have names, just common sense. Pryor’s coach is so disgusted with the process that he’s glad this was a once-in-a-lifetime deal. That’s because his life can move on.

Nice cop-out. So we have no evidence, but common sense dictates that Ohio State cheated because that’s just how things work. For example, Pryor’s coach is even disgusted. Who needs proof when you have vague, ass-covering innuendo?

The waffle iron is symbolic of the first pair of Nikes, the soles of which were made with the breakfast appliance. But there’s a fine line between genius and the stink of burning rubber.

What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talk. Ing. About?

In one sense, Pryor can’t possibly live up to the hype, can he? If he wins a national championship, that’s what he was supposed to do. If he wins a Heisman, well, it’s been done before in Columbus.

Those accomplishments would be the very definition of living up to the hype.

Already his announcement has created ripples that make that Yucatan thing look like skipping rocks:

Does nobody look these things over and maybe ask Dennis if he really wants to go with these comparisons?

Editor: I’m a little concerned that you may be overstating your case.
Dodd: What do you mean?
Editor: Well, you compared the signing of a QB to a literally world altering event.
Dodd: And?
Editor: ….That’s bad writing.
Dodd: FUCK YOU!! You don’t tell me how to do my job, egghead! I write with the passion of a thousand suns! My words are poetry! You heard of poetic license, fuck nut?!
Editor: ……..So, you want to leave it in?
Dodd: Yes.

Of course that’s ridiculous, Dodd doesn’t have editors.

• Whatever happened to football being the ultimate team sport? This sounds kind of obvious, but there is no doubt in this age of the zone-read spread option that the quarterback is the most important player on the field. This one has been compared to Texas’ Vince Young. Look what Texas did with Young and look what it has done in the two years without him.

The QB has been the most important player on the field for a fairly long time, since the beginning of modern offenses in college football. The ’50s I guess?

In support of Pryor, Young did deliver on his promise.

This is true.

• It’s a double negative for Michigan.

It’s a positive! 

Score another one for Tressel in the rivalry. You wonder where the next Wolverines quarterback is going to come from, while the Buckeyes continue to be the Big Ten favorites (and national championship contenders) for the foreseeable future.

I guess that’s bad for Michigan, but they had to have seen this coming, and they still would have been the underdog to Ohio State in the upcoming season. Beyond that, who knows?

That’s bad if you’re Michigan, good if you’re the next SEC team to play Ohio State in a bowl.

I’m already tired of the Ohio State jokes. I didn’t think that would happen for a few more years.

• Speaking of Tressel, we already knew he was up there with Saban and Stoops as one of the best recruiters. But this guy has just landed the nation’s No. 1 dual-threat quarterback to run what had been a pro-style offense.

Which proves that he…er…is one of the…um, best recruiters in the nation, up there with Saban and Stoops.

It seemed to work out for Troy Smith, who went from punk to superstar in Columbus.

Indeed it did. Was he really a punk? I don’t remember that period, but whatever.

Amazingly, Pryor already seems to be buying into to his freshman season mirroring Tim Tebow’s. In case you didn’t know, Ohio State has a starting quarterback, Todd Boeckman. Pryor as a super backup might be perfect for his development.

It might. Or he might blow a knee and never be the same. It’s a fickle game.

• Does this unfortunate result for Penn State, impact Joe Paterno’s future? With president Graham Spanier supposedly controlling the coach’s future now, it can’t help.

Pryor delayed his announcement on Feb. 6, in essence, so he could take an official visit to Penn State. It was a visit he never took.

I’m willing to say indisputably, doubtlessly, indubitably that Terrell Pryor signing with Ohio State will have absolutely, positively, conclusively no impact on Joe Paterno’s future.

• I feel kind of slimy for joining the breathless ranks during the recruiting process. This is a replication of a text conversation I had with Pryor in February.

Too bad you were born without free will.

Me: U R having a press conference on Wednesday?

TP: Haven’t decided yet.

It’s that kind of in-depth reporting that wins Pulitzers.

Eh, self-deprecation. Not really funny, but I’ll let it slide.

•  Finally, I’ve said it before: Pryor toyed with 2A competition in Pennsylvania. I would have loved to have seen him play more against large-class schools. None of us have seen him against major-college competition.

He also won the MVP at the Army All-Star Game against some of the best prospects in the country, so…yeah, he’s probably pretty good.

While we’re waiting for Pryor’s next space walk, anyone for waffles?

And the callback, another Dennis Dodd trademark.

Mailbagging

Things have been a little Doddy lately around here, but he is so supremely bad it’s hard to lay off. That said, here’s a quick hit on his mailbag column. It’s full of needless snark, which may sound ironic coming from me. Here’s a taste:

How many pieces of me do you want?

Three, so far, but I expect that number to increase exponentially.

Stories, blogs, mailbags. Hey, we’re showing the house on Sunday. Why not come on by and we’ll kick it around for a while.

He feels put-upon for having to do his job? Stop bitching, Dennis. You are compensated for doing something very poorly. We should all be so lucky.

Either you people can’t get enough of me or you really, really hate me.

It’s more a feeling of amazement at each new and uninformative column that you churn out. I worked computer support with a guy who didn’t know how to format a disk. Watching him fail and making fun of him to coworkers was one of the few joys of that thankless job. It’s kind of like that, and just like that guy I think you should be fired, Dennis. I don’t hate anyone, though.

And now down to the last mailbag entry:

From: Michael

I simply do not enjoy reading your articles. I don’t find them to be very insightful or well written. It appears that your greatest talent is stating the obvious, which isn’t a bad starting point but I would like to see articles that go beyond the obvious and I don’t see that coming from anything you write. I write this to let you know that not all of the readers post inflammatory and insulting threads, some of us just go quietly to other websites for our college football information.

I have a man-crush on Michael. Very reasonable of you Mike. I’d have been hard-pressed to be so reasoned in a missive to Dodd. What say you, Dodd?

Way Too Much Time On Your Hands:

Wait, wait, before you leave might I suggest Gregg Doyel?

If you’re the kind of masochist who read the entire column, you know that he snarkily changed the names throughout. It didn’t matter if the e-mail was reasonable or not. So Dodd is not only bad at his job, but he’s also an asshole about it. But the best part of that response? Looking through his archive, Gregg Doyel has written one column that is even half-related to college football. So in trying to keep a reader (jokingly, whatever) Dennis pointed him to someone who doesn’t write about the sport mentioned in the e-mail. And it was the last fucking line, so it should have been fresh in whatever passes for Dodd’s brain. Brilliant!

Hopefully, Dennis won’t post anything for a little while and I can move onto someone else.

Old Man Dodd

Spring practice just ain’t what it used to be. Take it away Dennis.

Spring practice used to be this sleepy offseason distraction.

It’s a good rule of thumb that any column that begins with the phrase “used to be” following any subject is going to suck. 

Spring games a rigged exercise in feel good. Hey, State U. always won, right?

That first nonsentence is bad in so many ways I don’t know where to start. It’s missing a verb, an -ism, and it’s nonsensical even if you fix those two grammatical errors. It epitomizes why Dennis Dodd should be allowed nowhere near a keyboard. The second sentence is just a lame semi-joke, but since I’m a dick: There is a long list of private schools who would disagree.

For fans, a lazy afternoon sunburn for the pasty. For players, false hope for that fourth-string tailback.

What about the non-pasty? What about the second stringer who has a legit shot to earn a starting spot? Stop being so exclusionary Dennis. Also, Matt Stafford entered the spring as Georgia’s fourth string QB in 2006, and he went on to start the bulk of the season.

Ah, but nothing stays innocent for long these days. It was only a matter of time until some suit figured out a way to squeeze a profit off these wholesome, mundane drills.

Fucking suits, always sullying our traditions with their avarice! You come in here with your concessions and glitz and try to profit off the wholesome pursuit of knocking the shit out of other young men in order to earn a spot at safety while some drunk obsessives cheer. I won’t fucking stand for it!

It makes skin-crawling sense, then, that something called MSL Sports and Entertainment has found a way to transform spring practice from a lawn-chair-and -beer activity to a corporate Woodstock. At 20 schools this spring MSL is separating money from wallets while at the same time applying defibrillators to failing music careers.

Psst. Dennis, come over here for a sec. [Leaning in and resting a hand on Dennis’ shoulder] YOU WORK FOR CB-FUCKING-S! That’s a huge, whorish media conglomerate that takes seemingly interminable commercial breaks during the games I most want to watch each Saturday. I am constantly reminded to watch shit-tastic television shows in between plays. I get AFLAC Trivia Questions and hope my team can score a touchdown when they enter the Old Spice Red Zone. CBS isn’t Disney-ABC-ESPN bad yet, but they’re a damn sight worse than MSL Sports and Entertainment.

They call it the Gridiron Bash, a concert-carnival-interactive falderal surrounding the spring game. Might as well call it the Have No Shame Tour.

Poppycock, I say. Any revelry not directly related to beer swilling and game watching will not be tolerated!

Hey, who doesn’t want to pay $56 a head to see Alan Jackson play the night before the A-Day game at Alabama? Or see Good Charlotte at Maryland.

I’m thinking a lot of people in Alabama would like an Alan Jackson concert, though I probably would have gone after Alabama if I was MSL, assuming they’re still together. And as much as it saddens me, I bet there are some people in Maryland who actually like Good Charlotte. It might even draw a few more people to the spring game and generate a little more money for the athletic department. Nah, fuck all that. Good Charlotte sucks and has no business anywhere near a college campus, let alone playing on the night before an event that you, Dennis Dood, basically called meaningless a few paragraphs ago.

Good Charlotte? More like a mediocre Green Day.

I like this, because Green Day is like a mediocre Clash or something like that. I mean, I’d rather see Green Day than Good Charlotte, but that’s like choosing between Lenin and Stalin as most reasonable Bolshevik. That analogy kind of sucks, but I’m sticking with it.

You can imagine the smack going on between the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows.

Dolls: “Dude, we played Kansas State.”

Crows: “That’s nothing, we got Colorado.”

Is there a feud between The Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows of which I am unaware? Or some sort of ongoing pissing contest about best venue? And don’t bands play colleges all the time? Those are all rhetorical by the way, so if you are aware of a rift between these two bands, I don’t want to hear about it. In fact, I was happy to believe that The Goo Goo Dolls no longer existed. Oh well, one more reason to hate Dennis Dodd.

What’s next, is Kelly Clarkson going to play Iowa?

Well, yes.

Why is any of this surprising? Why does it bother you, Dennis? Nobody is insisting that you go to any of these concerts.

Getting lucky enough during your senior year to see Led Zeppelin on its comeback tour is a memory to last a lifetime. Seeing Fall Out Boy gravy train the Rutgers spring game is painful.

Getting lucky enough to see Led Zeppelin in 1975 would be a memory to last a lifetime. Seeing them now would just make me feel kind of sad or nostalgic. As for Fallout Boy, Rutgers drew about 11,000 fans to their spring game last year. That’s some pretty thin gravy.

The goal of all groups is to play stadium shows, I guess, but the image of Joe Paterno introducing Fergie at Penn State begs Red Bull and Maalox to fall in as sponsors.

I have to agree that the choice of Fergie is kind of odd, even if his joke sucks.

With downloadable music cutting into record sales maybe this is the only way for the modern artist to reach their audience. Or maybe modern culture has hit bottom.

All of these artists are very famous and have probably sold a lot of albums. I’m not going to research this, but I’m almost positive that it’s true. Reaching their audiences is not a problem, and if soiling the precious spring game is what Dennis feels is rock bottom, he has some seriously fucked up priorities.

In this corner of the end zone we’ve got a more traditional spring extravaganza (see below). Won’t cost you a dime, just some notes, and twice as entertaining as Maroon 5. So give us back our lawn chair, cooler and leave the opening act to us: Twisting off the cap and taking a swig. That fourth-string tailback really looks like he has a shot.

I won’t continue onto what’s below this, because I’m not that dedicated. If you are of the opinion that time is money, reading the rest will be incredibly wasteful. I also like that he thinks he’s more entertaining than Maroon 5. I don’t even like them, and I think they’re more entertaining. And it closes with a call-back like all great comedy. Well done, Dennis. Well fucking done.