Dennis Dud

Stop groaning, you know that is awesomely funny, and so does Dennis Dodd. It’s another recruiting article, but this one also does double duty as an alternate history novel outline.

Promising recruiting class should pull Panthers from pits 

So this lack of capital letters in titles is a sportsline-wide phenomena. CBS Sportsline: We hate English. Punny headlines are nothing new, but they are always unforgivable, even when I use them to make a point or a joke or something. I’m sorry for that, but you should not forgive me. Never forgive nor forget. That’s the rule for puns ’round heah. Tired of reading about puns? Okay. Let’s move on.

The setting couldn’t have been more Pittsburgh. Panthers coach and Burgh native Dave Wannstedt talking football at J.P.’s, a neighborhood eatery. A breakfast of coffee, eggs and home fries screams no frills and all calories.

Who knew that my standard order at Village Inn was Pittsburghesque (or is that Pittsburghian?)? Oh wait, mine involves bacon. Pittsburghites fucking hate bacon. When I think of Pittsburgh I think of happy pigs, never worrying that they’ll end up on someone’s plate. No frills, neighborhood eateries, and happy pigs. That is Pittsburgh.

“Six degrees …” Wannstedt said to himself considering his program’s impact on college football since Dec. 1.

That’s an odd thing to say to yourself, especially when considering your football program. Assuming you aren’t talking about temperature. And was Dodd, like, hiding under the table waiting for Wannstedt to say something weird? I don’t really want to pursue that line of thought any further. Besides, my favorite part is coming up.

As in six degrees of separation. No matter where you turn in the sport the last two months, it all seems to lead back to Pittsburgh’s 13-9 upset of then-No. 2 West Virginia.

Actually wherever I turn in the sport it all comes back to the September 8th game between UGA and South Carolina that probably cost my team a shot at the national title. Maybe I’m just a homer, or maybe I’m making shit up because college football and its offseason happenings do not revolve around one fucking game. And now for the best part of the article.

Consider the alternate universe that would have been created if the Panthers lost that night:

My alternate universe self is a big fan of Carlos Mencia, enjoys the musical stylings of Sublime, loves the shit out of some Dennis Dodd alternate college football reality novels, and wears a goatee. If you see my alternate reality self, punch him in the face.

• Rich Rodriguez would still be at West Virginia. It’s hard to envision Rodriguez leaving for anywhere with a title shot on the line.

Probably not before the game, but it’s pretty easy to envision him leaving afterwards. I just envisioned it and projected it onto the wall through the projector eyes this reality allowed me to have installed.

• Les Miles, not Rodriguez, would be at Michigan. It’s hard to envision Miles staying on for another Sugar Bowl (or Michigan allowing him).

Considering that Michigan kind of fucked this up, it’s pretty easy to envision. Yep, looks pretty realistic on the wall. Aww, Colt Brennan still took a brutal beating in the Sugar Bowl. That’s a shame.

• West Virginia would be in the national championship game.

This is true, though he should have used “would have been.” That’s nit-picking, but I’m okay with that.

• Considering the opponent (Ohio State) go ahead and assume the Mountaineers would be national champions, too.

Probably.

• The world wouldn’t know Bill Stewart from Jimmy Stewart.

I would have used a Stewart that wasn’t one of the most well-known actors in the history of movies, but that’s why nobody pays me to write things.

• Lawyers in the state of West Virginia would all be a little poorer.

We’ve been through this. I won’t rehash it again Dennis.

•  Wannstedt might not be sitting in J.P.’s reveling in his third consecutive top 25 recruiting class.

So, 4-8: Recruits avoid you like a leper. 5-7: Recruits offer to name their first-born children after you if you’ll only take a glance at their highlight tapes.

“My brother-in-law works for Dick’s Sporting Goods,” Wanny said. “They have two (West Virginia) stores — one in Huntington, one in Morgantown. They had all these national championship shirts and hats …”

He didn’t have to finish the sentence.

That’s too bad, because it may have helped me understand what this has to do with anything. I was kind of hoping the bullet-points would continue though, because I’m still not sure how West Virginia beating Pitt would have led to the South winning the Civil War. I guess I’ll just have to buy your book, you clever bastard.

A 5-7 season for Pittsburgh probably was better than losing to the Mountaineers, finishing 7-5 and going to a minor bowl. It created momentum on the field. Things can’t get much more heartbreaking for the Panthers who lost four games by a touchdown or less. There have been seven such results in Wannstedt’s three seasons during which he is 16-19.

Pitt Panther Football: We lose close about a third of the time.

I’m just going to skip the rest and answer this question:

In what is looking like a wide open Big East, why not Pittsburgh?

Because Dave Wannstedt is their head coach.