Rice Is Rolling Over in His Grave

Dedicated to Mocking Bad Sports Writing

Old Man Dodd

Posted by biggusrickus on March 5, 2008

Spring practice just ain’t what it used to be. Take it away Dennis.

Spring practice used to be this sleepy offseason distraction.

It’s a good rule of thumb that any column that begins with the phrase “used to be” following any subject is going to suck. 

Spring games a rigged exercise in feel good. Hey, State U. always won, right?

That first nonsentence is bad in so many ways I don’t know where to start. It’s missing a verb, an -ism, and it’s nonsensical even if you fix those two grammatical errors. It epitomizes why Dennis Dodd should be allowed nowhere near a keyboard. The second sentence is just a lame semi-joke, but since I’m a dick: There is a long list of private schools who would disagree.

For fans, a lazy afternoon sunburn for the pasty. For players, false hope for that fourth-string tailback.

What about the non-pasty? What about the second stringer who has a legit shot to earn a starting spot? Stop being so exclusionary Dennis. Also, Matt Stafford entered the spring as Georgia’s fourth string QB in 2006, and he went on to start the bulk of the season.

Ah, but nothing stays innocent for long these days. It was only a matter of time until some suit figured out a way to squeeze a profit off these wholesome, mundane drills.

Fucking suits, always sullying our traditions with their avarice! You come in here with your concessions and glitz and try to profit off the wholesome pursuit of knocking the shit out of other young men in order to earn a spot at safety while some drunk obsessives cheer. I won’t fucking stand for it!

It makes skin-crawling sense, then, that something called MSL Sports and Entertainment has found a way to transform spring practice from a lawn-chair-and -beer activity to a corporate Woodstock. At 20 schools this spring MSL is separating money from wallets while at the same time applying defibrillators to failing music careers.

Psst. Dennis, come over here for a sec. [Leaning in and resting a hand on Dennis’ shoulder] YOU WORK FOR CB-FUCKING-S! That’s a huge, whorish media conglomerate that takes seemingly interminable commercial breaks during the games I most want to watch each Saturday. I am constantly reminded to watch shit-tastic television shows in between plays. I get AFLAC Trivia Questions and hope my team can score a touchdown when they enter the Old Spice Red Zone. CBS isn’t Disney-ABC-ESPN bad yet, but they’re a damn sight worse than MSL Sports and Entertainment.

They call it the Gridiron Bash, a concert-carnival-interactive falderal surrounding the spring game. Might as well call it the Have No Shame Tour.

Poppycock, I say. Any revelry not directly related to beer swilling and game watching will not be tolerated!

Hey, who doesn’t want to pay $56 a head to see Alan Jackson play the night before the A-Day game at Alabama? Or see Good Charlotte at Maryland.

I’m thinking a lot of people in Alabama would like an Alan Jackson concert, though I probably would have gone after Alabama if I was MSL, assuming they’re still together. And as much as it saddens me, I bet there are some people in Maryland who actually like Good Charlotte. It might even draw a few more people to the spring game and generate a little more money for the athletic department. Nah, fuck all that. Good Charlotte sucks and has no business anywhere near a college campus, let alone playing on the night before an event that you, Dennis Dood, basically called meaningless a few paragraphs ago.

Good Charlotte? More like a mediocre Green Day.

I like this, because Green Day is like a mediocre Clash or something like that. I mean, I’d rather see Green Day than Good Charlotte, but that’s like choosing between Lenin and Stalin as most reasonable Bolshevik. That analogy kind of sucks, but I’m sticking with it.

You can imagine the smack going on between the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows.

Dolls: “Dude, we played Kansas State.”

Crows: “That’s nothing, we got Colorado.”

Is there a feud between The Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows of which I am unaware? Or some sort of ongoing pissing contest about best venue? And don’t bands play colleges all the time? Those are all rhetorical by the way, so if you are aware of a rift between these two bands, I don’t want to hear about it. In fact, I was happy to believe that The Goo Goo Dolls no longer existed. Oh well, one more reason to hate Dennis Dodd.

What’s next, is Kelly Clarkson going to play Iowa?

Well, yes.

Why is any of this surprising? Why does it bother you, Dennis? Nobody is insisting that you go to any of these concerts.

Getting lucky enough during your senior year to see Led Zeppelin on its comeback tour is a memory to last a lifetime. Seeing Fall Out Boy gravy train the Rutgers spring game is painful.

Getting lucky enough to see Led Zeppelin in 1975 would be a memory to last a lifetime. Seeing them now would just make me feel kind of sad or nostalgic. As for Fallout Boy, Rutgers drew about 11,000 fans to their spring game last year. That’s some pretty thin gravy.

The goal of all groups is to play stadium shows, I guess, but the image of Joe Paterno introducing Fergie at Penn State begs Red Bull and Maalox to fall in as sponsors.

I have to agree that the choice of Fergie is kind of odd, even if his joke sucks.

With downloadable music cutting into record sales maybe this is the only way for the modern artist to reach their audience. Or maybe modern culture has hit bottom.

All of these artists are very famous and have probably sold a lot of albums. I’m not going to research this, but I’m almost positive that it’s true. Reaching their audiences is not a problem, and if soiling the precious spring game is what Dennis feels is rock bottom, he has some seriously fucked up priorities.

In this corner of the end zone we’ve got a more traditional spring extravaganza (see below). Won’t cost you a dime, just some notes, and twice as entertaining as Maroon 5. So give us back our lawn chair, cooler and leave the opening act to us: Twisting off the cap and taking a swig. That fourth-string tailback really looks like he has a shot.

I won’t continue onto what’s below this, because I’m not that dedicated. If you are of the opinion that time is money, reading the rest will be incredibly wasteful. I also like that he thinks he’s more entertaining than Maroon 5. I don’t even like them, and I think they’re more entertaining. And it closes with a call-back like all great comedy. Well done, Dennis. Well fucking done.

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One Response to “Old Man Dodd”

  1. Dutch said

    A boy named Goo is a classic, for sissies.

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