Rice Is Rolling Over in His Grave

Dedicated to Mocking Bad Sports Writing

Player Arrests: Bad Coaching Decision

Posted by biggusrickus on July 23, 2008

I just realized I have yet to do a Terrence Moore column, and that needs to be remedied, because he is the Carrot Top of sportswriting. If he were a cosmic phenomenon it would be a black hole. Which is to say that he sucks. Like, a lot. And now he’s writing about Georgia football player arrests.

Richt must eliminate Georgia’s ‘knuckleheads’

I envision Latin American death squads hunting down these so-called knuckleheads when I read that headline. That has nothing to do with anything, but the idea of coaches dispatching murderous commandos to deal with fuck-ups is kind of funny to me.

If you’re a decision-maker with Georgia’s football program, and if you wish to give your talented Bulldogs their best shot at winning a national championship this season, you just can’t spend the offseason having two, three, or four of your players arrested.

On the Mitzelbaum Scale (which measures the logical coherence of if, then statments) this rates a .04 (the maximum is 82.7). I assume that by “decision-maker” he means “coach or administrator” and not “creature possessing a rational brain and free will.” So the coaches and/or administrators have made the conscious decision to have players arrested. And that, ladies and gentlemen, you just cannot have. I honestly don’t know what the coaches and administrators are thinking at Georgia. Don’t they realize how counterproductive this is? This is Intro to Winning shit.

You just can’t.

I’m with you T-Bone.

The Bulldogs have had seven and counting, by the way.

Holy fuckballs! That’s, like, more than twice as many as three and nearly double four. Oh well, it was nice to think Georgia had a chance while it lasted. I’m going to stop sarcastically siding with Moore from here on out.

It makes you wonder if coach Mark Richt jumps whenever his Blackberry beeps.

I don’t have a blackberry, but I’m sometimes startled by my phone when it rings. Not to the point of jumping, because, really, do people ever actually jump when they’re startled? I always assumed that was a cartoonish thing used for comedic effect.

“Well,” he said, after a long pause over the phone, “the main thing is, I’m sad when anything like (the arrest of a Georgia player) happens. Just like you would if it was your own son. You’re sad when somebody in your own family makes a mistake or gets hurt or whatever it might be. When things like this come up, you hate to hear it. But these guys are human. They do make poor decisions at times.”

Seems pretty reasonable.

That’s true, especially since we’re talking about those between the often wild ages of 18 to 22. Richt also likes to suggest that the bulk of the 130 or so players in his program are closer to Wally Cleaver than Eddie Haskell. Several Bulldogs took a mission trip to Honduras and worked on summer projects spanning from Habitat for Humanity to Camp Sunshine.

That’s not really helping your case T-Dog. You know, the one where Richt is making the decision to have players arrested?

Plus, the publicly laid-back image of Richt is somewhat of a fraud. Just ask the Florida Gators.

Which makes sense seeing as the Florida Gators have probably only seen Richt’s public persona.

They were stunned along with everybody else last season in Jacksonville after Richt ordered his Bulldogs to charge into the end zone after their first touchdown to celebrate enough to get a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Wouldn’t this kind of play into an outlaw program sort of article? “Look, he sent his players out to intentionally draw a personal foul. The inmates are running the asylum in Athens.” Something along those lines? It certainly doesn’t speak to one’s disciplinary streak. And yet…

The point is, Richt swings a big stick behind the scenes before and after one of his players becomes a knucklehead.

That is the point he is attempting to make with a story about what many would consider a demonstration of a lack of discipline. Someone who didn’t suck with the force of a thousand sucks might have pointed to Richt’s history of suspensions in the lead up to that point, but that is what makes Moore so damn good.

“I just wish everybody could see how often we do have those conversations. How often we do sit down with these guys as a group, as individuals, as positions coaches in meetings, and it’s a constant message,” said Richt, who frequently ignores the university’s guidelines for punishment by doubling the penalties for his players.

Now you mention his punishments.

Added Richt, “The bottom line is, they’re going to pay a price for what they did, and then we move forward. In the meantime, shoot, I can’t tell you how many good things are going on this summer. The great majority of them are working their tails off. They’re running. They’re lifting. From what I hear from our seniors and our leaders, they’re showing up, and they’re doing well in school.”

I’m excited!

Little of that matters when some of your Bulldogs are spending more time taking mug shots than publicity shots.

What? Why? Nothing can be good unless absolutely everything is good?

One guy was arrested and charged with allegedly fracturing the eye socket of another student in a fight.

Terrible. I believe this was the gentleman kicked out of school.

Two other guys were arrested after they were accused of rubbing the belly of a pregnant woman against her wishes.

Weird. Sort of creepy.

Three guys had alcohol-related arrests, including a DUI.

So, like, two drunk in publics and one DUI. Eh.

Another guy was charged with speeding and carrying a concealed weapon, but the latter charge was dropped.

Holy shit! Speeding? That changes everything!

If you didn’t know better, you’d think a bunch of Bulldogs are getting full of themselves since they will likely be ranked first or second in most preseason polls.

Or a more rational person might think:

“Uh, I don’t think it’s that at all,” Richt said. “I wish I could tell you what I know about every situation, because I don’t think you would relate those two things at all.”

And then an irrational and shitty writer might close with:

Well, whatever is causing these Georgia knuckleheads, Richt and his folks need to find more ways to stop it, like now.

Like, totally.

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