Breaking News! FSU Not as Good as They Used to Be!

I decided to see what stupid thing Dennis Dodd wrote this week, and lo and behold I found this:

‘Noles down low, ‘Dores up high … what’s going on?

The same thing that’s been going on for the last couple of years as far as FSU is concerned, and a large amount of luck in the case of Vandy. There, you can stop writing now.

One is a football factory, a flat-out jock assembly line with various classes and professors getting in the way.

One that has gone 14-12 the last two seasons.

The other operates without an athletic department, without much care, it seems, whether it contends for championships.

Which is probably part of the reason they haven’t been to a bowl in 26 years.

Florida State or Vanderbilt. Which would you rather be this week?

Florida State always and forever. They actually devote money to their football program and build facilities and have gone to a bowl game pretty much every year that I’ve been following football. We’re only three years removed from them winning their conference title. Vandy hasn’t won a conference title since 1923 (in the no longer existant Southern Conference). This is a no brainer. FSU, for all of their difficulties, would likely have beaten Vanderbilt each of the last two years.

If you said Vanderbilt go to the head of the, uh, class. If you can. Ninety-five percent of the school’s freshmen score at least 24 on the ACT.

Ugh. Vandy has high academic standards?! I never knew that.

At Florida State — where ACT used to mean Always Catching Touchdowns — the ‘Noles would settle for a score, any score.

Then they should be pleased by their field goal the other night, you unfunny hack.

The two programs are headed in opposite directions for the first time in, well, forever.

No. No they are not. If anything you could argue that FSU is slouching towards Vandy, but even that would be an overstatement.

College football awoke to a bizarro world Sunday that saw Vanderbilt ranked for the first time since 1984. Florida State was just rank.

That rank-rank trope is an affront to comedy. I love the mention of 1984, which was one of the other seasons Dodd mentions later where they started 4-0. Their final record was 5-6.

If you wanted an example of parity, folks, here it is. Vandy is 4-0 for only the fourth time since World War II.

First, this is not an example of parity. Vandy has played four of their seven potentially winnable games, including two of the most likely. Second, they have been outagined by three of their four opponents (by a combined 283 yards in their two SEC wins). They have won largely because they have a +9 turnover margin. While it’s possible they could ride this wave of flukishness to a seven win season – as Mississippi State did last year – it isn’t likely, nor is it sustainable over time – as Mississippi State’s fall back to the bottom of the SEC this year would indicate.

Playing an easier schedule than the Commodores, Florida State is 2-1.

Vandy was largely dominated by a team that lost to the same Wake Forest team who represents FSU’s only loss so far. It might be a bit premature to compare the two teams.

FSU continues to sink into the tar pit that has become the latter part of Bobby Bowden’s career. Two 7-6 seasons have been followed by Saturday’s statement that a turnaround isn’t near.

Yet those two 7-6 seasons are still better than Vandy’s 4-8 and 5-7 records over the same period.

You want an indicator? For the first time in five years, Joe Paterno is ahead of Bowden on the all-time victories list, 376-375.

What. The. Fuck? Indicator of what? What does this have to do with Vandy vs. FSU as a football program?

You wonder if Papa Bowden is ever going to catch up again. The coach himself has hinted that this might be his last season. A pity that we would have to stick a fork in a great career, instead of remembering Chief Osceola flinging that lighted spear into the Doak Campbell turf.

He probably won’t if this is his last season, as Paterno has managed his program better in recent years than Bowden. This still has nothing to do with Vandy as compared to FSU.

If it’s only a painful week at Mega U. that would be a good thing. But FSU’s problems look deep and profound.

Their main problem seems that Bowden let his son run their offense into the ground and they are only in the second year of recovery with a lot of new assistants. That doesn’t seem all that deep or profound considering the kind of talent they can attract.

The 12-3 loss to Wake Forest marked the second-worst offensive performance at home by the ‘Noles in the Bowden era. The worst was two years ago in a 30-0 skunk job by Wake.

So they lost by three fewer touchdowns and played defense pretty well this time. That’s an improvement, yes?

There were seven turnovers — seven! — before an adoring public just waiting to see if the ‘Noles were showing signs of returning to prominence.

That will sometimes happen when young quarterbacks are playing against their first quality opponent.

Oh, and wasn’t this about the relative merits of Vanderbilt compared to FSU?

“We’re not where I hoped we were,” Bowden said. “That was evident.”

Hey, a useless quote!

It appears that there is more than academic fraud at FSU, where the school started the season missing several players, suspended for cheating on tests.

What?

It’s never good to have more penalties (12) than points (three),

You don’t say.

especially after your quarterback, who is making his third career start, feels compelled to guarantee victory …

Especially after that? It would have been somehow more acceptable to have more turnovers than points if he’d said something like, “They’re a tough team. We just want to go out and compete, and hopefully we come out on top.”

… Over Wake.

Who is still not Vandy. We’ve gone about six or seven paragraphs now with no comparison between the teams referenced in the fucking headline.

Also, Wake has won the conference title within the last two years and has beaten FSU two (now three) years in a row. Why was the guarantee thing so shocking. (Fun fact: Wake beat Vandy worse than they did FSU last year.)

It’s time to face a stark reality in Tallahassee. Wake Forest has the better program. Tiny Wake. Laughable Wake. Sure, the Seminoles recruit better players — the 2009 class is ranked No. 5 by Rivals.com — but the Demon Deacons do more with their guys. That’s what makes it even worse.

All true. Wake Forest is still not Vandy. Had you started out to make the point that Wake Forest has passed FSU you could easily make that point. You have three years of solid evidence to support that assertion. You, however, were arguing that Vanderbilt has passed FSU and have spent about two sentences trying to support that claim. This is bait-and-switch journalism.

Bowden is passing the baton, at some point, to offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher. Deacons coach Jim Grobe has a 10-year contract, and now owns three consecutive victories over the school that dominated Wake from 1992-2005.

I suppose the point of these facts is that Wake is more stable at the moment and thus a better program or something like that. Wake, however, is still not Vandy. And it just goes on like that for a few more paragraphs. This is the journalistic equivalent of listening to an eight year old tell a story. It rambles along with no clear line of logic and at the end you’re left wondering what the fuck just happened. I’ll skip to where it finally veers back into Vandy.

The ‘Dores are suddenly two victories away from bowl eligibility. Here’s a brain-teaser: What comes first, Vanderbilt’s next bowl game — the last was in 1982 — or Florida State fielding a capable quarterback?

Vandy has two games left that they should win: Mississippi State and Duke. They’ll probably lose the rest, but they will be bowl eligible if they win the ones they should. So, in summation, this is a stupid question posed as a brain-teaser because Dodd suffers from some sort of disease that causes him to write stupid things.

Chris Rix, please come back. All is forgiven.

For example, this implies that Chris Rix was a capable QB, which is disproven by Chris Rix’s career.

By some cosmic chance, the underdog subjects of this column, Vanderbilt and Wake Forest, end the regular season on Nov. 29 in Winston-Salem. Florida State plays Florida the same day.

Cosmic chance or their ADs scheduling the game? You decide.

The label is waiting for one or both games: The SemiNo Bowl.

One or both? What the fuck will Vandy making a bowl have to do with FSU not making one? For the record, I’d go with option C. Neither.

If something positive doesn’t happen quick in Tallahassee, FSU’s dynasty will be a footnote because this is not just about the decline of a football factory.

This rates a 3.1 on the Mitzelbaum Scale.

The Seminoles were embarrassed twice by institutions of higher learning over the weekend.

Don’t do it Dodd.

Wake on the field and Vandy in the polls.

Sigh.

Player Arrests: Bad Coaching Decision

I just realized I have yet to do a Terrence Moore column, and that needs to be remedied, because he is the Carrot Top of sportswriting. If he were a cosmic phenomenon it would be a black hole. Which is to say that he sucks. Like, a lot. And now he’s writing about Georgia football player arrests.

Richt must eliminate Georgia’s ‘knuckleheads’

I envision Latin American death squads hunting down these so-called knuckleheads when I read that headline. That has nothing to do with anything, but the idea of coaches dispatching murderous commandos to deal with fuck-ups is kind of funny to me.

If you’re a decision-maker with Georgia’s football program, and if you wish to give your talented Bulldogs their best shot at winning a national championship this season, you just can’t spend the offseason having two, three, or four of your players arrested.

On the Mitzelbaum Scale (which measures the logical coherence of if, then statments) this rates a .04 (the maximum is 82.7). I assume that by “decision-maker” he means “coach or administrator” and not “creature possessing a rational brain and free will.” So the coaches and/or administrators have made the conscious decision to have players arrested. And that, ladies and gentlemen, you just cannot have. I honestly don’t know what the coaches and administrators are thinking at Georgia. Don’t they realize how counterproductive this is? This is Intro to Winning shit.

You just can’t.

I’m with you T-Bone.

The Bulldogs have had seven and counting, by the way.

Holy fuckballs! That’s, like, more than twice as many as three and nearly double four. Oh well, it was nice to think Georgia had a chance while it lasted. I’m going to stop sarcastically siding with Moore from here on out.

It makes you wonder if coach Mark Richt jumps whenever his Blackberry beeps.

I don’t have a blackberry, but I’m sometimes startled by my phone when it rings. Not to the point of jumping, because, really, do people ever actually jump when they’re startled? I always assumed that was a cartoonish thing used for comedic effect.

“Well,” he said, after a long pause over the phone, “the main thing is, I’m sad when anything like (the arrest of a Georgia player) happens. Just like you would if it was your own son. You’re sad when somebody in your own family makes a mistake or gets hurt or whatever it might be. When things like this come up, you hate to hear it. But these guys are human. They do make poor decisions at times.”

Seems pretty reasonable.

That’s true, especially since we’re talking about those between the often wild ages of 18 to 22. Richt also likes to suggest that the bulk of the 130 or so players in his program are closer to Wally Cleaver than Eddie Haskell. Several Bulldogs took a mission trip to Honduras and worked on summer projects spanning from Habitat for Humanity to Camp Sunshine.

That’s not really helping your case T-Dog. You know, the one where Richt is making the decision to have players arrested?

Plus, the publicly laid-back image of Richt is somewhat of a fraud. Just ask the Florida Gators.

Which makes sense seeing as the Florida Gators have probably only seen Richt’s public persona.

They were stunned along with everybody else last season in Jacksonville after Richt ordered his Bulldogs to charge into the end zone after their first touchdown to celebrate enough to get a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Wouldn’t this kind of play into an outlaw program sort of article? “Look, he sent his players out to intentionally draw a personal foul. The inmates are running the asylum in Athens.” Something along those lines? It certainly doesn’t speak to one’s disciplinary streak. And yet…

The point is, Richt swings a big stick behind the scenes before and after one of his players becomes a knucklehead.

That is the point he is attempting to make with a story about what many would consider a demonstration of a lack of discipline. Someone who didn’t suck with the force of a thousand sucks might have pointed to Richt’s history of suspensions in the lead up to that point, but that is what makes Moore so damn good.

“I just wish everybody could see how often we do have those conversations. How often we do sit down with these guys as a group, as individuals, as positions coaches in meetings, and it’s a constant message,” said Richt, who frequently ignores the university’s guidelines for punishment by doubling the penalties for his players.

Now you mention his punishments.

Added Richt, “The bottom line is, they’re going to pay a price for what they did, and then we move forward. In the meantime, shoot, I can’t tell you how many good things are going on this summer. The great majority of them are working their tails off. They’re running. They’re lifting. From what I hear from our seniors and our leaders, they’re showing up, and they’re doing well in school.”

I’m excited!

Little of that matters when some of your Bulldogs are spending more time taking mug shots than publicity shots.

What? Why? Nothing can be good unless absolutely everything is good?

One guy was arrested and charged with allegedly fracturing the eye socket of another student in a fight.

Terrible. I believe this was the gentleman kicked out of school.

Two other guys were arrested after they were accused of rubbing the belly of a pregnant woman against her wishes.

Weird. Sort of creepy.

Three guys had alcohol-related arrests, including a DUI.

So, like, two drunk in publics and one DUI. Eh.

Another guy was charged with speeding and carrying a concealed weapon, but the latter charge was dropped.

Holy shit! Speeding? That changes everything!

If you didn’t know better, you’d think a bunch of Bulldogs are getting full of themselves since they will likely be ranked first or second in most preseason polls.

Or a more rational person might think:

“Uh, I don’t think it’s that at all,” Richt said. “I wish I could tell you what I know about every situation, because I don’t think you would relate those two things at all.”

And then an irrational and shitty writer might close with:

Well, whatever is causing these Georgia knuckleheads, Richt and his folks need to find more ways to stop it, like now.

Like, totally.