Rice Is Rolling Over in His Grave

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Posts Tagged ‘Pat Forde’

The Not-So-Great Debate Part II

Posted by biggusrickus on December 7, 2009

A quick look at an over-reaction from Pat Forde’s 3-Point Stance:

1. Texas coach Mack Brown spins so well that if he owned ice skates, he’d be favored to medal in Vancouver. Maybe when the disbelief evaporates and my jaw returns to its upright position, I’ll return to thinking that the Longhorns deserve to play in the BCS National Championship Game. But the slapstick finish to the Nebraska game, coupled with the inability to put mediocre Texas A&M away the week before, are reason enough to believe that the wrong team from Texas will play Alabama.

Pat Forde writes jokes so badly he’d be voted off “Last Comic Standing” the first week. What is so unbelievable about a very, very good Nebraska defense, a defense that carried an abysmal offense all season, holding Texas’ offense in check? I don’t really want to carry water for Texas. I wanted them to lose, so we could find out just how good TCU is. I find them intriguing too. However, you can’t just discount Texas’ total body of work because of two bad games to close out the year. They averaged to win about 40-15 over the course of the season. They had two very poor offensive performances against Oklahoma and Nebraska. They had one very poor defensive performance against Texas A&M. TCU beat Air Force, a military academy with players who are undersized and less athletic than those at every major college by a fair magin, 20-17. They beat a four-loss Clemson team who lost by 17 to a very average South Carolina team, 14-10. Are those games less meaningful because they happened earlier in the season? If so, why? Also, to beat this point to death, TCU played the 84th toughest schedule in the coutry and Texas played the 44th.

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Something is Rotten in the City of Bristol

Posted by biggusrickus on July 14, 2008

Sometimes there comes an article with such a hackneyed premise that it captures the imagination and changes your conception of just what awful sportswriting can be. It smacks of desperation during the long college football offseason. It is paradigm changing. It is life alterting. Most importantly, it is fun. And it is here thanks to a man named Pat Forde. Are you ready? Are you excited? I know I am. Let’s mock this bitch:

Midsummer night’s dream reveals puckish prognostications for ’08

Take it in. Bask in it. The headline only hints at the absurdity though.

Because it’s June, and because June is slower than an Ivy League defensive back when it comes to college football news, the boss e-mailed me with a quirky story idea.

Did he really? I suspect Forde realizes how stupid this article is going to be and wants to pass the buck. Also, awesome joke with the Ivy League cornerbacks metaphor. Grow some balls and say what your really mean: white cornerbacks.

He pointed out that Midsummer’s Eve was upon us, and the day has a long tradition of being a time for telling fortunes. Some guy named William Shakespeare even built a story around Midsummer’s Eve — and the suggestion was that I do the same.

Seriously, I call bullshit. But if this is true, that Forde was so bereft of ideas that this one seemed good by comparison, just cancel his offseason writing schedule. Here comes the stupid…

Who can turn down an offer like that?

Anyone. Seriously, anyone with a lick of sense would recognize the inanity involved in this column before getting started, and say to themselves, “Fuck. That.”

After reacquainting myself with “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” it seems Shakespeare himself might have had football on the brain when he wrote it. You don’t believe me? I have the evidence.

By “reacquainting” I believe he means googled “‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ quotes.” Also, the premise of this article is that William Shakespeare – poet, playwright, lover of Gwyneth Paltrow, inventor of modern English, dead in the early 17th century – had football – an awesome sport that I’m sure he would have loved, because it is awesome and Shakespeare was awesome, had he not predated it by about 200 years – on the brain when he penned his most revered comedy, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Think about that. Get your head wrapped around that concept. Laugh at it derisively. But: he has proof. Like:

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” — Was that Puck? Or Tim Tebow?

Puck was a metaphor for Tim Tebow! Of course! It was staring me in the face the whole time, and I refused to see it. If ever there was airtight proof of Forde’s point, this is it.

“Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow’s dark array, Days of absence, I am weary; She I love is far away.” — The average college football fan in the dog days of summer, waiting for the season to begin.

Shall thee compare thy love of football to thy love of a maiden? No, thee shall not. Fuckest thou.

“Masters, spread yourselves.” — Billy Shakes correctly predicting the era of the spread offense.

God damn it! You’re better than this Forde. Billy Fucking Shakes?!

I can’t take any more of these. There are ten. They are all stupid, and the rage generated increases as you proceed. Let’s move on to the “Puckish” predictions.

1. Notre Dame will be better.

Bold. Careful out on that limb, Pat.

3. Rick Neuheisel won’t bet on his own team in the office bowl pool.

This is true, but mainly because they won’t be in a bowl.

4. Ohio State at USC is the nonconference game of the year.

“I think the obviously best matchup on paper between teams from different conferences will be the best nonconference game.”

5. Georgia at Arizona State won’t be bad, either.

“I also think that a matchup between teams likely to start the season in or near the top 10 will be better than bad.”

9. The one unit in all of college football with the most on its shoulders is …
… BYU’s secondary.

I’m leaving that other part unbolded because he weirdly did that rather than include it in the heading. Also, BYU? They have no chance at winning the national title. How about Florida’s ineffective DLine or secondary? How about Georgia’s linebackers? How about USC’s something-or-other? How about any of the major contenders for the national title over a team that has no chance at a national title and a chance to make a BCS bowl only if they go undefeated?

13. The 2008 season foretold here will end the way “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” ended.
With an admission that none of this is real. Play it again, Puck:

“If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream …”

If only it were truly a dream.

Posted in Nonsense, Weird | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Ware the Human Interest Piece

Posted by biggusrickus on February 25, 2008

I thought I’d do a little critiquing of college football writing a la Fire Joe Morgan…only less basebally and probably not as funny. I’m not saying there’s no place for human interest stories in sports, but they are often blown way the fuck out of proportion. Football, for example, does not heal a community after a shooting on campus. Nor does it repair a nearly destroyed city. This is a little old, but Pat Forde disagrees with me…sort of. Hit me Pat.

If you want to know why the Allstate BCS National Championship Game is important beyond football in this regrouping city, consider:

Tuesday morning might be the first time since August 2005 that the New Orleans Times-Picayune publishes a front page that doesn’t contain the words “Hurricane Katrina.”

I don’t habitually read the Times-Picayune, but this seems unlikely. But let us assume that every paper for the last two and a half years has mentioned the hurricane on the front page. Am I to believe that there will be no mention of it after the first incredibly huge sporting event since Katrina has taken place? Don’t lie to me Pat. Not you.

“It’s a very, very worthy diversion,” said David Meeks, city editor of the Times-Picayune.

I know nothing takes my mind off of the house and/or family members I lost in a natural disaster like a college football game.

There was some bullshit about sporting events reminding people that celebrations can happen again and the like. Then:

“It seems like nothing ever gets completely finished,” Meeks said. “When the Superdome reopened, it was a symbol that something finally got finished.”

Take heart New Orleanians, your house may still have no roof, but the Superdome is ready to go!

There are some truly sad descriptions of the still unrepaired areas in the city. Then:

“[New Orleanians] just want people to understand what they’re going through,” Meeks said. “The places where the game is being played and the hotels and restaurants are, they’re fine. It’s the neighborhoods where people live that the fight and the struggle continues.”

This is why the whole first part of the god damned story is in poor taste. If I’m a person living in these areas or hoping to move back I might, you know, resent that the stadium and tourist areas were rebuilt before my fucking house. Maybe seeing a bunch of middle class, upper middle class, and rich people visit my city doesn’t make me feel any better about my situation. Maybe I think you should have spent some money fixing my house before you tried to open up the city for tourists. Nah, I’d probably be pretty stoked that some out of towners were drinking on Bourbon Street and watching a football game. Maybe they could even share some insights on how to improve my situation.

The rest goes into some harrowing stories. There’s a little navel gazing, but nothing too egregious. Pat, why did you open the story like that? Jackass.

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