Rice Is Rolling Over in His Grave

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Posts Tagged ‘fun with bad jokes’

The Not-So-Great Debate Part II

Posted by biggusrickus on December 7, 2009

A quick look at an over-reaction from Pat Forde’s 3-Point Stance:

1. Texas coach Mack Brown spins so well that if he owned ice skates, he’d be favored to medal in Vancouver. Maybe when the disbelief evaporates and my jaw returns to its upright position, I’ll return to thinking that the Longhorns deserve to play in the BCS National Championship Game. But the slapstick finish to the Nebraska game, coupled with the inability to put mediocre Texas A&M away the week before, are reason enough to believe that the wrong team from Texas will play Alabama.

Pat Forde writes jokes so badly he’d be voted off “Last Comic Standing” the first week. What is so unbelievable about a very, very good Nebraska defense, a defense that carried an abysmal offense all season, holding Texas’ offense in check? I don’t really want to carry water for Texas. I wanted them to lose, so we could find out just how good TCU is. I find them intriguing too. However, you can’t just discount Texas’ total body of work because of two bad games to close out the year. They averaged to win about 40-15 over the course of the season. They had two very poor offensive performances against Oklahoma and Nebraska. They had one very poor defensive performance against Texas A&M. TCU beat Air Force, a military academy with players who are undersized and less athletic than those at every major college by a fair magin, 20-17. They beat a four-loss Clemson team who lost by 17 to a very average South Carolina team, 14-10. Are those games less meaningful because they happened earlier in the season? If so, why? Also, to beat this point to death, TCU played the 84th toughest schedule in the coutry and Texas played the 44th.

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Hey, Movie References and Other Bad Jokes!

Posted by biggusrickus on July 31, 2008

So, John Kaltefleiter still writes things, including this. It’s about how people are making too big a deal out of Georgia’s schedule, which is kind of true, I think. It even opens up okay by quoting a player. And then it gets cringe-worthy.

We try to peruse the schedule and find definite wins, possible losses and games that could go either way.

John, listen, I know these are your categories and they aren’t, like, official, but are you sure you want to separate “possible losses” from “games that could go either way?” Alright, just checking. Carry on.

Truthfully, lying around clutching a can of SpaghettiO’s and channel surfing is more productive.

You should try it in your mother’s basement wearing only your underwear. It’s pretty sweet.

Amazingly, this isn’t even the worst joke in this column.

The tendency to predict what will happen one week from the next during the offseason happens because the vast majority of us are convinced that we’re as football savvy as the late Jimmy the Greek or Phil Steele.

So, I’ll ignore the bad grammar and deal with the point. I consider myself fairly well-versed in college football, though nowhere near as thorough in my understanding of most teams around the country as Phil Steele. Does anyone, anywhere even think about Jimmy the Greek these days, let alone compare their football knowledge to his? Also, I think we try to predict what will happen from week to week, because we like discussing football. You know, because we’re fans of the sport.

In reality, most are as football smart as Phil Connors from Groundhog Day.

Love Groundhog Day. I watch it whenever I come across it and make a point of watching it on February 2. And that’s one of the reasons this joke pains me so much. Why Phil Connors?! Was he famously uninformed about college football? No. No, he was not. You can’t make something into a joke by just picking a dude from a movie and putting him in a simile.

Also, fuck you. I’ve talked to a lot of fans who are a lot more knowledgeable about college football than most sportswriters I’ve read.

If you listen or read what the national media is saying about Georgia’s schedule you’d think the Bulldogs were facing the ’75 Steelers every other week.

Well, there has been a lot, probably too much emphasis put on Georgia’s schedule being hard, but you may be exaggerating the national media’s claims a bit here. I mean, the schedule is pretty fucking hard.

Based on how things panned out last season, Georgia’s slate does seem like the Charles Bronson of seasons.

An improvement! Charles Bronson is famously tough! I’m not even going to criticize him for using the pop culture reference trope here, because he has just used a relevant pop culture reference. Kudos John.

Here’s the thing to remember – what took place last season if [sic] worth nearly as much as that penny wedged between the driver’s seat and the console in your car.

Ugh, that metaphor is as strained as Kevin Costner’s accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Oh yeah, the point, it’s one I’ve made before and mostly agree with.

LSU, the defending national champs, needs a quarterback worse than Nick Saban needs a exorcism. Florida still needs a secondary and Percy Harvin with two healthy wheels.

Awesomely terrible Nick-Saban-is-evil joke, dude. But where’s the joke in the second sentence? Here, I’ll help. Florida still needs a secondary and Percy Harvin with two healthy (healthy?) wheels the way Marty McFly needed to get his parents back together in Back to the Future.

Steve Spurrier and South Carolina covets a quarterback and a rush defense that doesn’t give up yards like Visa doles out credit cards. OK, Tennessee’s a mystery, but five of its opponents will be off the week before they play the Volunteers. That includes Georgia.

…but five of its opponents will be off like kids during spring break…

And agonizing over how Georgia can survive a four-game stretch in October and November when it plays four straight away from Sanford Stadium is like wondering when ballooning gas prices will subside.

And what rational person would wonder when gas prices might come down?

After all, Mark Richt’s record on opponents’ turf is 25-4.

How can you pass up a Road Warrior joke there? You may even be able to combine that, Passion of the Christ, and Richt’s religiosity into one mega-pop culture reference.

Bottom line? Georgia’s schedule isn’t as much of a factor as it appears at this point. Be it through superior talent or a splash of luck, a team destined for a national title finds ways to win, regardless of opponents or venues.

Destiny. It was destiny that caused WVU and Missouri to lose on the same day and give LSU (who lost two games because their schedule was tough, despite probably having the best team in the country) their shot at the title. The fates stepped in on their behalf. Are we talking about epic poems or football?

If Allen and company eventually fall into the category, they’ll be talking about the final game, not the 12 or 13 that preceded it.

Allen was the player he talked to. Do you really think they won’t look back over the season and maybe discuss what happened should they win the national title? Why the fuck would you think that?

John Kaltefleiter needs to take a writing course like Luca Brasi from The Godfather.

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