The Worst Analysis Ever

Matt Hayes of the sporting news wrote an article that I criticized below in part because it listed Terrelle Pryor as a reason the Ohio State Chokists would be able to compete with the USC Starlet Fuckers. Not to be outdone, Dennis Dodd devoted an entire fucking column to this asinine theory. For the record, it’s not that I think Pryor will not or should not play. It’s just that he will not be the key to Ohio State competing with or defeating USC. He is a true freshman who will play a few series and mostly try to run the ball. He may be marginally successful with his limited package of plays, or he may panic in his first truly meaningful playing time, or he may simply be shut down by a very good defense. Regardless, his impact on the outcome will be minimal. This post will also begin my new policy of not linking to Dodd columns.

Playing Pryor should become a priority — maybe necessity at USC

Priority? Probably. Necessity? No.

There’s a quarterback controversy at Ohio State, just in time for the game of the year.

No. No there is not by the standards of what is commonly defined as a “quarterback controversy.”

It’s not your generic speculation-fest about who is starting, although that might become an issue later this season.

However, if you want to go ahead and just up and change the definition, then sure you could call it a “quarterback controversy.” You can do this with anything. There’s a hurricane blowing through Jacksonville right now. It’s not your generic 100mph-hour-wind-dropping-heavy-rain-fest, although one might land here later this hurricane season. 

It’s about how much Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor is going to play Saturday against No. 1 USC.

It is raining though.

Seen as the quarterback of the future, the freshman super-recruit might have to be the quarterback of right now.

If he has to be the quarterback of right now, it means Boeckman has been injured and the Ohio State defense better play the game of its life if they want to have any chance of winning this game. Actually, even if Boeckman is the quarterback of right now I think that’s what will have to happen for Ohio State to win.

Pryor has been eased into the lineup, playing a total of 30 plays in two games.

And he is 4/8 for 35 yards passing with 0 TDS or INTS and another 94 yards on 14 carries with a TD. That’s not bad for a guy just getting his feet wet and everything, but it’s hardly a sign that he’s ready to lead this offense against the top ranked team in the country at their stadium.

He also gives No. 5 Ohio State the best chance of winning Saturday night.

I’m really going to need you to explain yourself.

What about Beanie Wells, you ask?

Now that you mention it…

What about him?

Yeah, fuck that guy. He only ran for 1,600 yards last year.

To the locked-in Trojans defense Beanie is a conventional weapon for the Buckeyes, whether coming off an injury or not. Currently third nationally in rush defense, the Trojans have finished in the top 10 in five of the last six seasons (No. 1 in 2003 and 2004).

They’ve played one game against a terrible Virginia offense, but they have an outstanding front seven so they will probably finish in the top 10 against the run again. That doesn’t automatically mean that Wells won’t have an impact. And who gives a shit about 2003 or 2004 or last year for that matter? Their past statistical performance has nothing to do with the game Saturday.

What’s another stud running back to a defense that picks them out of their teeth?

A guy that they have to worry about beating them. I doubt he’ll have huge success, but he could break the 100-yard mark. He’s also the best player on their offense, so I’m guessing he’s something to the USC defense.

The dual-threat Pryor is an unguided missile, a mystery, a human X-file.

Brent Musberger read this and thought it was a tad hyperbolic.

“When you have a weapon (like that) we’re going to use him no matter what,” Ohio State linebacker James Laurinaitis said.

Well sure, as a change of pace guy, trying to catch USC off guard a little bit. It might be mildly successful.

Follow the logic:

Oh dear. This is going to end badly.

Wells might or might not play.

He’s playing.

Even if he does, Beanie might not be 100 percent.

Okay.

Quarterback Todd Boeckman is coming off an uneven performance against Ohio.

True.

The last time he faced a defense this good, things did not go well. Boeckman was sacked five times and threw two interceptions against LSU in the BCS title game.

Partially true. He also threw for over 200 yards and a couple of touchdowns.

There are those who think Pryor, the nation’s No. 1 prep player last season, is merely keeping the seat on the bench warm for Boeckman.

I think these people are dumb, but keep going.

Pryor’s high school coach, Ray Reitz, believes Pryor will be the starter by the end of the season.

And if you want unbiased opinion you go directly to the player’s high school coach.

Jeannette (Pa.) High quarterbacks coach Roy Hall spoke to Pryor on Sunday night, trying to determine if the kid would play more against USC.

And if you want to really back up that unbiased opinion you go to an assistant coach on the same staff.

“Put it this way, it would be my opinion I would think he would,” Hall said. “Believe me, I know that has to put Coach Tressel in a tough position. I’m sure he can he handle it. You hear other people say they don’t want to cause a quarterback controversy.”

You also hear people say that they don’t want to start true freshmen at the hardest position on the field to learn. Especially when they have a serviceable senior to put out there.

There is little controversy if you win, but Ohio State hasn’t won enough for some.

I call these people “spoiled assholes.”

There is already the SEC stigma that is the subject of every fan message board from the Sun Belt to the Rust Belt.

When I think rational human beings, I think message board posters.

It doesn’t need to fly 2,000 miles to prove that an immobile 6-foot-5 pocket passer (Boeckman) can get beat up by the Trojans.

No, they need to prove that a talented true freshman can get beat up by the Trojans.

The much-celebrated Human X-File has the admiration of his teammates, if not the playing time from the coaches.

Those asshole coaches.

“It wasn’t easy for him to come in here and gain our respect,” defensive back Malcolm Jenkins said of Pryor. “He was going to have to earn our respect. At first he didn’t expect that. Once the summer was over he understood why we made him prove his worth. … He has been accepted with open arms.”

Then he should definitely start against USC. What was the guy going to say? “He’s a lazy, stupid shithead. That fucker shouldn’t even be attending a University, let alone playing for a football team.”

“The only thing I see that Boeckman has over Terrelle is the experience and a little bit of the reads. Terrelle is a competitor,” Hall said.

Oh good, you’re quoting his high school coach again. Was his mom unavailable for comment?

“They’ve lost that (title) game the last two years. If Terrelle can help them get over that hump, I don’t think Coach Tressel will hesitate.”

And if he can he will no doubt get more playing time as the season progresses. [Full disclosre: He can't, at least this year.]

After getting 22 plays in the first game against Youngstown State, Pryor saw action in only two series (eight plays) against Ohio.

Huh, weird. So he played a lot against a I-AA opponent in a game that was never in doubt, but then he played less against a MAC team in a game that wasn’t decided until midway through the fourth quarter. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was, you know, a backup QB that they bring in sometimes as a change of pace.

Here are some possible reasons why:

So, no? Not a backup quarterback who comes in sometimes as a change of pace?

1. Tressel didn’t trust a freshman at quarterback during a tight game.

Seems reasonable.

Maybe, but that was a heck of a gamble.

More of a gamble than putting a freshman in the game and possibly have him force a pass into double coverage or do any number of other stupid things that true freshman QBs are prone to?

Tressel was losing with a senior at quarterback.

And he played a decent fourth quarter in a comeback. Nice thing about seniors is that they don’t panic when things are going bad.

While Saturday’s performance had a lot to do with an unmotivated offensive line and dropped passes, Boeckman didn’t exactly lead by example.

Seriously, Boeckman’s blocking and pass-catching was shitty. Set an example man!

Pryor can create plays with his feet. Why not give him a shot?

Because he’s a freshman, and if he makes a few mistakes you might very well lose to fucking Ohio University.

2. There was a preparation issue. In other words, Pryor wasn’t ready because he doesn’t know the offense.

I’m quite certain he doesn’t know the offense as well as a guy who’s been in the system for four years. That has nothing to do with preparation and everything to do with him being a true fucking freshman.

Not likely. The Kremlin is more forthcoming with information than Ohio State football is in 2008. But you’d think something would leak out if Pryor was becoming a bad seed or a slacker in practice. It has been just the opposite. Teammates seem to have taken to him and he is working hard.

I’m quite certain he is working hard, but for the sake of argument let’s say he’s not. Do you think the players are going to tell you or anyone else in the media about it?

The crowd at the season opener gave Pryor a standing ovation.

A sure sign that he has full command of the offense.

“It gave me chills,” said Hall, who was at the game.

Okay, but how does this tie into understanding the offense? Dodd? Hello?

3. Tressel is saving Pryor for USC.

Yeah, why let him get comfortable against two crappy opponents. You really want that first big experience to be on the road against arguably the best defense in the country. Dodd thinks you’re a fucking idiot apparently, Jim Tressel. Are you going to stand for that? [Crossing fingers and hoping Tressel sees this, hunts down Dodd, and slits his throat with a Bowie knife]

Bingo.

See Tress? Can I call you Tress?

The less known about Pryor on the West Coast, the better. USC did have the added advantage during its bye week of sizing up Ohio State. The Trojans saw only those eight plays.

And the 22 that were on film from the Youngstown State game. Also, how surprising is a fairly basic package involving a mobile QB really going to be?

“When Pryor’s in, it’s runs for him and quarterback draws,” USC linebacker Rey Maualuga told the Los Angeles Times. “We’re going to have a big emphasis about which quarterback is in.”

Sounds like they have a pretty good grasp of what Pryor is going to do.

The transition — if and when it comes this season — won’t cause upheaval. Pryor has earned his place on the team, chatting up Boeckman for advice, working hard in the weight room, going through the mental hazing from upperclassmen.

Leave off the “and when” in that first sentence and I’m fine with this.

It’s obvious, though, that Terrelle Pryor’s time is soon.

Why the fuck is that obvious?

The question is, will it be Saturday?

Fuck. And. No.