Jay Mohr is Compensated Monetarily

I think. He could be paid in beads, and he’d still be ripping someone off. At $0.00 (American) he’d be overpaid just for wasting server space. Yeah, Mohr is a joke, but this was such a heinous example of his lazy unfunny drivel I had to bash it. The sad thing is that it was so bad Fox Sports took it down, and I had to find a cached copy. It’s from October. Enjoy (you won’t).

I know nothing about college football,

You should probably not be writing about it. Maybe you should pick something you do know something about, like bombing on SNL or doing a Christopher Walken impression or performing mediocre (I’m a generous person) comedy. You want to write about college football? You sure? Okay, it’s your column. 

except that I love it.

You sure? I mean, you don’t know anything about it. Perhaps college football has some baggage. It could very well have a history of mental instability. Maybe it can only acheive orgasm by punching you in the face at the moment of climax. You can’t know you love it yet. It’s too soon. Take it slow. You should end this column before you embarrass yourself. No? Fuck me? Fine, you’re on your own dickhead.

I am brand spanking new to the college game. I never went to college (I got rejected by a lot of them though) so I never had a team to call my own.

Color me shocked! Jay Mohr didn’t only not attend college but also was rejected by “a lot of them.” This makes me feel better about our system of higher education actually.

Now I do.

All of them.

This seems like odd paragraphing. I don’t care if it’s a word. Also, what’s the point of this article?

I have fallen fast and hard for the game of college football. One loss at home and you can kiss your national title hopes goodbye.

LSU lost at home on the last week of the regular season. They won the national title. It’s a fascinating game Jay. You should read up on it.

Play for USC, and count your money up front. Play for Hawaii and log more frequent flier miles than a flight attendant on Qantas.

These are supposed to be funny I guess. Ugh. 

I have many questions leading into the weekend after the big upset weekend. Please feel free to comment below to help me along with my new passion.

Sure. I’d be happy to help, just in case you ever decide to write about college football again. You should really know something about it. 

Why are there 11 teams in the Big Ten?

Oh, that’s what you want to know? Well, there were ten teams, and then way back in the nineties, before you were born, Penn State joined the conference raising the number to eleven. They decided not to change the brand name. I know this was supposed to be rhetorical, and presumably funny, but I would rather think that Jay Mohr really did not know this. Since he said he knows nothing what else am I to do? 

Why is there a Western Division to the Southeastern Conference?

Why is the sky blue? Why is there war? Ultimately, all of these questions boil down to one: Why are we here? I can’t answer that Jay. Sorry. 

Why are Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and Louisville in the Big East when they are further west than Miami, Boston College, UCF and Maryland?

Geographical comedy is the best. 

Why is Karl Dorrell fighting for his job with a 4-1 UCLA team?

Racism. He’s since been fired, despite going 6-6, because UCLA hates black people. 

Why isn’t Charlie Weis fighting for his job with an 0-5 Notre Dame team?

Because Notre Dame only fires black coaches after three years. White coaches are safe until they decide to retire or die in office. For a white dude the Notre Dame job is like a Supreme Court appointment. 

Who is the dominant school in the WAC? Boise State? Utah State? Fresno State? These sound like prisons on MSNBC, not places of academic athletics.

This “joke” also works for Florida State, Wichita State, New Mexico State, North Carolina State, Louisiana State, Mississippi State, and Middle Tennessee State. Keep that in mind when you want to recycle it. 

How in the hell did Louisiana Tech weasel its way into the Western Athletic Conference? Because it’s west of Orlando?

Yes. 

Hawaii must be in the Waaaaaay Western Athletic Conference.

More geographical “comedy.” 

When Hawaii flew nine hours to play Louisiana Tech and then stayed on the mainland until their next game at UNLV, how did the players get to class? Fourteen days seems like a long time to me to skip school.

That’s a good point. We should probably investigate Hawaii to make sure these kids aren’t receiving preferential treatment. What’s with all the Hawaii stuff? Yes, it’s farther away from the rest of the teams, but that’s what they get for allowing us to annex them. 

It seems to me that teams in the Big East get a bit of a free ride. There just might be something to this East Coast media bias business.

Louisville, West Virginia and Rutgers were all ranked in the top 10 this year. They all folded up like lawn chairs at the first sign of competition.

We’re a couple of years removed from the Big East nearly being kicked out of the BCS. You could research this. I mean, rather than ask us to help you out. It’s all on the internet still I bet. Try wikipedia.org. It’s not always accurate, but you can get some info. It’s a start. 

Unlike the teams in the SEC who it seems to me have to fight for dear life every freaking week; the Big East gets to play teams like Buffalo and Murray State. (Murray State? Uncle Murray State?)

I halfway agree with this, but What. The. Fuck? “Uncle Murray State?” That sounds like a joke my Uncle Murray would make.

Quick! Where is Murray State?!!?

Not in the win column.

Awesome joke, Jackie. 

West Virginia got crushed by that perennial powerhouse, University of South Florida. It looked like Jim Brown was still playing for Syracuse when Louisville got beat at home. Rutgers wet its pants against basketball-powerhouse Maryland.

South Florida beat Auburn, an SEC team, earlier in the same season. Rutgers has a history of not being good. Maryland has more historical signifigance than they do. When does this shit end? 

Notre Dame is getting crushed more in the press than on the football field. Everyone loves to see a big guy go down.

Didn’t you just crush a big guy at Notre Dame earlier, and now you’re lamenting shadenfreude? 

Say what you want about ND. They may be winless, but at least they played actual football teams.

Georgia Tech, Penn State, Michigan and Michigan State. In all fairness, that could be an 0-4 start for anyone in the Big East.

This is not true, but wait for it… 

But I guess when you sandwich Navy between Buffalo and Norfolk State, you are bound to run up some “Ws”

That’s right, Notre Dame lost to Navy. More to the point, Notre Dame has beaten up on Navy for the last 40+ fucking years. In their defense Notre Dame may have beaten Buffalo and almost certainly would have beaten Norfolk State. 

I am starting to get a feel for college football now. I think the Pac-10 is underrated. The Sun Belt, WAC and the Big East don’t really count.

No. No, you’re not. The Pac-10 was rated pretty accurately as the second or third best conference. The Sun Belt and WAC probably matter to the people who root for the teams in those conferences (the WAC has sent two teams to BCS bowls the last two years), and WVU, from the Big East, was an inexplicable meltdown from a national title game appearance. You, sir, do not understand college football at all. 

If I want to watch real college football, I have learned to watch the SEC … even the Western Division.

I would like to agree with this as an SEC homer, but to agree with Jay Mohr would be to turn my back on everything that’s true and right in the universe. Fuck you Jay Mohr. I can’t even be a homer in good conscience around you.